Never Say Never
by browniehaze
Summary: The Cullens have decided to play a game of "Do what you would never do". Tensions flare, laughter erupts, and entertainment is a guarentee. Also, Reneesme has something dark and dirty up her sleeve oo I rhymed! :
1. Alice's Idea

~**Okay, so this little short story is just something that's been making me laugh ever since I thought about it two days ago. I will warn you, there is some brief lemony stuff, but don't worry. Also, pertaining to the name, you will see your favorite characters doing stuff they would never do.**

**Also, I don't own these characters** (Enjoy! )

Alice's Idea (Intro)

Emmett sat on the Cullens big couch and sighed heavily. Everyone was home, but no one knew what to do. Carlisle's boss practically forced him to go on vacation. Esme didn't know what to cook. And everyone else just didn't know what to do. There was nothing on TV, and they've watched their movies at least a trillion times. Emmett sighed heavily again.

"Okay, we get it!" Edward snapped. "You're bored. You don't have to sigh every 2 seconds." Emmett tilted his head back and stuck his tongue out at Edward. This time, Bella sighed.

"I love being a vampire and all, but eternity can be ultra boring if you have nothing to do." She drawled.

"You're telling me? Killing myself seems like more fun than sitting here." Jasper muttered.

"Jasper!" Rosalie yelled, pointing at Reneesme. "You're not much of a role model!"

"Oh, please," Jasper exhaled. "She's heard worse. Edward just gave her "the Talk" the other day. Her innocence is in hell. Especially with Bella's bad explanation for what an orgasm is─"

"Jasper, I would watch where you're going with that sentence if I were you." Bella snarled. Jasper was about to make a smart-ass remark, but Alice jumped down from the chair she was sitting on and put herself between Jasper and Bella.

"Okay, everyone just shut the hell up!" Alice shouted. Rosalie put her hand over her face and sighed impatiently.

"Can we _please_ stop cursing in front of the child, because I feel like I'm about to lose it." Rosalie begged. Everyone looked at Reneesme, whom was listening to her iPod. She was oblivious.

"Okay, Rose, that's not the point." Alice stopped Rosalie before she could say anything else. "I have an idea. An idea that will make this day ultra fun!" she exploded with glee. She looked like a kid stuck in Disneyland.

"What exactly is your plan?" Carlisle asked cautiously. Everyone knew how creatively dangerous Alice could be. Once, she told Carlisle to show up to work shirtless, which ended in fifty patients having a heart attack.

Alice grinned at the question; that was the question she was hoping for. "It's like Truth Or Dare, except you don't get to choose truth! Each of us will grab a sheet of paper, go off to somewhere secluded, and then right one thing that the rest of us would never do."

"You're saying we have to write one thing for each person in the family, not including ourselves, that that person wouldn't do?" Esme jumped with glee. "Oh, goody! That sounds fun!"

"Oh dear God, why am I so suddenly scared?" Carlisle muttered.

"Wait," Emmett interrupted, "what happened after we write the stuff down?"

"Easy! Then that person has to do each of the things everyone wrote down. And they _have to do it_, so no chicken shits, okay?" Alice grinned evilly. Carlisle shuddered.

"What happens if we chicken out?" Bella asked nervously. Alice turned her malicious smile towards Bella.

"We'll all decide on three things you shouldn't do in Wal-Mart." Bella cringed into the wall, making Emmett laugh out loud.

"Hey," Reneesme called out suddenly. Everyone looked at her in shock. No one noticed she was listening.

"What is it, sweetie?" Bella crooned. Reneesme stood up quickly, making her white summer dress twirl around her.

She smiled. "Can I play?"

Emmett laughed darkly. "if you can handle it…" Rosalie glared.

"Absolutely no─" Rosalie began.

"Of course you can sweetie!" Bella laughed. "But don't think I'll go easy on you!"

Reneesme looked at Bella mischievously. "Ah, but don't think _I'll_ go easy on _you_!"

With that, everyone grabbed a sheet of paper, a pencil, and when out to make their devilish lists.

_**To Be Continued… lol**_


	2. The Lists They Made

~**I don't own these characters (Also, don't tell your family to sue me if you or a loved one dies from laughter)**

A/N: I'll have them doing all of these actions in soon, but for now, here are the lists they made. Let your imagination wander and try not to have heart attack

The Lists They Made

**Carlisle's list:**

Esme: Drink spoiled milk

Edward: Let Alice put a slutty amount of make-up on his face

Bella: Walk in public with a mini skirt and skimpy tank-top, and hit on random old men

Jasper: Talk like a bubbly homosexual for 24 hours

Alice: Not talk at all for 24 hours

Emmett: Watch at least 3 yaoi movies without closing his eyes (yaoi=gay anime porn)

Rosalie: Go into public with visibly dirty hair

Reneesme: Drink baby formula all day (she hates it)

**Esme's list:**

Carlisle: Hit on Emily aggressively in front of Sam

Edward: Walk into a gay bar shirtless and "go with the flow"

Bella: Give Charlie a lap dance

Jasper: Eat nothing but human food for 24 hours

Alice: Watch all the Star Wars movies

Emmett: Watch all the "Bring it on" movies

Rosalie: Come on to Jacob all day long

Reneesme: Go a day without biting anyone

**Edward's list:**

Bella: Wear a visible thong with low-rider jeans

Carlisle: Chew tobacco (he hates it)

Esme: Be mean to everyone who talks to her

Jasper: Wear pink leggings and short shorts, and then stand in a military store for a couple hours

Alice: Wear un-matching clothes and walk around in public

Emmett: Listen to as many girl pop songs as possible

Rosalie: Bathe in mud for 6 hours

Reneesme: Sit in her room all day and do nothing

**Bella's list:**

Edward: Wear ass-length short shorts and bend down as much as possible in public

Carlisle: Run up and hug every pack member naked

Esme: Smoke as many cigarettes as possible (Esme hates cigarettes)

Jasper: Run through Forks singing "The Circle of Life"

Alice: Eat nothing but fast food for 24 hours

Emmett: Lick a banana like a pervert in public

Rosalie: Remain in the same room as a clown for as long as she can

Reneesme: Eat nothing but vegetables

**Jasper's list:**

Alice: Shop at the local swap-meet

Carlisle: Drink nothing but rodents for a day

Esme: Come onto Carlisle's interns

Edward: Flirt with Tanya in front of Bella

Bella: Never say no throughout the whole day (no matter what)

Emmett: Walk down the street singing "I'm Barbie girl" really loudly

Rosalie: Dress up and pretend to be a prostitute

Reneesme: Ask Jacob about orgasms in front of his friends

**Alice's list:**

Jasper: Dress up like Peter Pan and pretend to fly through the town

Carlisle: Walk into a nail parlor and get a pedicure and a manicure (has to be a loud color)

Esme: Break her favorite vase

Edward: Kiss Carlisle

Bella: Go fishing with Charlie without screaming

Emmett: Memorize all the lines in a 90210 episode

Rosalie: Wear Jacob's clothes for a day

Reneesme: Burn one of her dolls

**Emmett's list:**

Rosalie: Kiss as many frogs as possible

Carlisle: Eat sushi for 3 hours straight (non-stop)

Esme: Watch the Notebook without crying

Edward: Make an awkward conversation with Phil, Charlie, and Renee in the same room

Bella: Talk about nothing other than her sex life

Jasper: Sit through a lesson about a woman's menstrual cycle

Reneesme: Pretend to hate Jacob for a day

**Rosalie's list:**

Emmett: Go a day without laughing

Carlisle: Let Rosalie borrow $10,000

Esme: Talk like a gansta for a day

Edward: Do nothing but compliment Jacob for a day

Bella: Flirt with Leah

Jasper: Run down the street singing Lady GaGa songs

Alice: Pick up trash along the highway

Reneesme: Get hair done by Rosalie

**Reneesme's list**

Carlisle: Go to church

Esme: Ride behind Sam on a motorcycle

Edward: Hit on Jacob

Bella: Do whatever Leah says

Emmett: Watch nothing but golf all day

Rosalie: Eat 100 Twinkies

Jasper: Tell Alice about all of his ex-girlfriends

Alice: Listen to Jasper without slapping him


	3. Carlisle's List

~**I do not own these characters**

Author's Note: Okay, so I was chewing gum while making this chapter, and I almost choked because I was laughing so hard. So I advise you, do not eat anything while reading this because there is a possible death risk (Lol)

Carlisle's List

The Cullens all came together, each one of them nickering secretly, and sat on the couch. Bella blocked out Edwards mind reading abilities, and Alice tried her best not to look into the future. Everyone sat in the living room and looked at each other with smiles. Emmett was already on the brink of laughter. Finally Alice cleared her throat:

"Okay, everyone! Even though I'm _dying_ to see people do my list, I think we should start with Carlisle's list, seeing that he's the oldest. And then he'll choose who goes after him. Any problems?" No one said anything. "Okay! Carlisle, why don't you tell each of us what we have to do?"

With that, Carlisle stood up with a humongous grin on his face. "Be ready, okay? Esme?" Esme looked up, suddenly nervous.

"Yes?"

"You're gonna drink a large carton of spoiled milk." Carlisle chuckled. Esme's mouth dropped open, while Emmett fell to the floor practically in tears.

"Carlisle! You know how much I hate the smell of spoiled dairy! Now, you want me to _drink_ it?!" Esme was on the verge of punching Carlisle. She had a serious phobia of spoiled dairy, and he knew that.

"Now, now Esme," Alice chuckled. "Rules are rules. Keep going Carlisle."

Carlisle nodded and continued down his list. "Edward, you're gonna have to let Alice put make-up on you." Alice cheered happily, while Edward groaned. "Bella, you're gonna have to wear a mini-skirt and a skimpy top, and then flirt with random old men."

"What the hell?!" Bella shouted. Edward was now joining Emmett in the rolling on the floor session.

"Jasper," Carlisle laughed, hardly able to keep a straight face, "you're gonna have to talk like a bubbly homosexual for 24 hours." Jasper glared at Carlisle while Alice tried not to laugh (but failed miserably).

"Alice, you can't talk at all for 24 hours." Carlisle laughed.

"Burn!" Emmett chortled, but yelped when Alice punched him in the stomach.

"Emmett," Carlisle choked out between laughing fits. "Emmett, you have to watch at least 3 yaoi movies without closing your eyes." Emmet stopped laughing immediately.

"Aw, what the hell, Carlisle? That's sick!" Emmett growled. Carlisle had to catch his breath before he could continue.

"Um, Rosalie?" Carlisle asked, already on the verge of laughing again.

"Yes…?" Rosalie asked, anxiously.

"You have to go into public with visibly dirty hair─"

"Aw, hell no!" Rosalie shouted, jumping out of her seat.

"And Reneesme," Carlisle finished. "You have to drink baby formula all day."

Reneesme, whom was laughing harder than she ever has, groaned in remorse. "Do I have to? That stuff tastes worse than Jacob's attempt at homemade pizza."

Carlisle went to tears rolling on the floor while everyone glared at him.

"I hate you." They all chorused in irritation.

_**I will have the action chapter in tomorrow, I swear! Don't get your panties in a bunch**_


	4. Carlisle's Laugh

~**I do not own these characters**

Carlisle's Laugh

Esme looked at the empty cup as Carlisle grabbed something out the fridge. _I don't wanna do this!_, she thought. Carlisle pulled out a milk carton and put it next to the empty cup. He couldn't help but smile in triumph. Esme was never going to forgive him for this, but man, was it worth it. Carlisle opened the carton and turned his face in disgust as the smell of 3 month old milk filled the room. Alice left that milk in the fridge 3 months ago because she saw a vision of this game and she knew Carlisle would make Esme drink it. Alice was just as evil as Carlisle.

Esme flinched when Carlisle tried to pour the milk in the cup. A few drops came out, but nothing else. Esme thought that someone dumped the rest out, but Carlisle knew better. He grabbed a large spoon and started scooping out chunks of milk into the cup. Esme almost passed out from the sight of it. It was thicker than yogurt! It looked like ice cream with frost bite.

_Maybe I can just pretend its ice cream_, she thought. _That won't be so bad._

Carlisle walked to the other side of the room and leaned against the wall. "Go on, Esme. _Bon appétit!_" Esme pinched her nostrils and picked up the cup. Even though she was pinching her nose, the smell still reached her. She gagged and put the cup down. The smell made her nose burn and her eyes water.

"Carlisle─" she whined.

"Nope. Drink it." Carlisle laughed. Esme glared at him, pinched her nostril again, and this time, she grabbed the cup quickly. She put the cup rim to her lips quickly and tried to drink it. The moment a milk chunk flew into her mouth, she almost threw up. It tasted extremely sour; and it burned her tongue. The flavor of it was indescribable, and to call it disgusting was an extreme understatement.

Edward sat on Alice's bed, practically ready to burst into tears. Alice, who was very mute for once in her life, was putting on a sizeable amount of eye shadow on Edward. Since Alice stopped talking, she's been quietly fuming. _Who the hell does Carlisle think he is?! I'm not _that_ loud, am I?_

Having read her thoughts, Edward couldn't help but laugh. "Actually Alice, you're extremely loud. You could set a world record─"

Alice slugged Edward in the arm, making him cry out. _If you don't shut up_, she said mentally, _I'm gonna make you look like a clown_. With that, Edward shut up. But he couldn't help but smile at how pissed Alice was.

Bella pulled down at her skirt. Sadly, if she pulled it down anymore, the skirt was gonna come off. Bella was walking down a terribly busy street trying her best not to cry. She was wearing a noticeably short blue skirt and a see-through white tank top that said "Barely Legal" on it. It was bad enough that Carlisle said she had to wear this, but then he insisted that she wear a pink and blue lace bra that anyone could see a mile away.

Every person she passed did a double-take and stared. About 10 car crashes almost happened in the last 3 minutes, which is a record for Forks. As she passed a stop sign, she saw a man walking down the opposite way. He looked like he could be in his forties or something. _Perfect_

As the man passed her, he looked up and dropped his mouth. This time, Bella stopped and smiled at him. "Hey baby, do you like what you see?" Bella purred. The man almost dropped to his knees in anticipation. All he could do was nod.

"Then I bet you'll like what you'll see when I walk away." With that, Bella turned and kept walking; she made sure she swayed her hips for the old man. _God I hope he doesn't have a heart attack_…

Jasper walked around the house quietly cussing Carlisle out. _That son of a bitch!_ Jasper hoped no one would try to talk to him, but his wishes were crushed when Jacob showed up at the door. Since no one was close enough to the door, and Carlisle was in the kitchen torturing Esme, Jasper had to answered the door.

"Hey Jasper!" Jacob said smiling. Crap, here we go. It looked like Jacob wanted a response, so Jasper just got it over with.

"Hey Jacob!" he squealed in the most flamboyant way he could. "How's it going, hon?" Jacob looked at Jasper in shock.

"Are… Are you okay?" Jacob said wide-eyed.

"Hon, I've never felt better. Especially since I'm getting my nails done later today. God _knows_ I need it! What color should I get? I'm thinking of hot pink, but Emmett said I should _totally_ get sky blue. He said that's what's in these days. What do you think?"

Jacob stared at Jacob with a gaping mouth. He was deciphering whether he should turn and run or entertain him. He decided to entertain him. Jacob closed his mouth and grinned. "You should _totally_ get hot pink. Emmett doesn't know what he's talking about."

Jasper wooted while he mentally thought of different creative ways to kill Jacob for going along with this. _I fucking hate you_, he cussed mentally. Jasper moved aside and let Jacob into the house. Little did Jasper know, Leah was standing right behind Jasper and trying her best not to crack up laughing.

"Jasper…" she snickered. "When did you decide to be so _flamboyant_?" Jasper swooned against the door frame and sighed happily.

"It all started when I finally realized my love for this boy I met at the supermarket…" Leah couldn't help but stare at Jasper in surprise.

"Tell me about it," she dared. She knew about the Cullens' little game, but she pretended to be oblivious. She wanted to have fun with this while she could. Nothing's better than talking about boys with gay Jasper.

_Dammit_. Jasper grabbed Leah's arm and towed her into the house. "OMG don't even get me started on how _hot_ he is! He's… well… He's hotter than Morris Chestnut!" he squealed as he pulled her onto the couch.

"Get _out_ of here! No way!" Leah shrieked. "Anyone who's hotter than him _has_ to be a god or something!"

Jasper worked up the best giggle he could. He pretended to swoon. "Gawd, child, don't get me started. If he's enough to turn _me_ gay, then he must be a god."

Jacob stood and watched them squeal and giggle over this guy in shock. _Let's hope to God that I don't run into this guy. If he's enough to turn Jasper, then he's enough to turn anyone_.

Rosalie stomped down the street as she heard people behind her talking about her.

"Ew, her hair is _so_ dirty. Ugh, there's been an invention, and it's called shampoo." The girl behind her coughed.

_Just ignore the bitch, she doesn't even know how to walk in heels without tripping_, Rosalie told herself. Rosalie passed a storefront mirror and looked in hit. Her usually bright blonde hair was now almost the color of Bella's. It was so dirty that she could see something crawling in there. _Dandruff? Ew._ Rosalie kept walking down the way too busy street in hopes that this day would end soon. _God, I fucking hate Carlisle_.

Rosalie passed an old man, probably in his forties, who looked dazzled. _Hm? Bella must have passed by here too. I wonder if I could charm him_. With that, Rosalie walked up to the old man and tapped his shoulder and said hi. When the man turned, he almost had a heart attack (and not because she was cute).

He couldn't help but take in Rosalie's visibly dirty hair and shuddered. "Um… Hello ma'am…" He walked away from Rosalie with noticeable speed, leaving Rosalie fuming on the sidewalk. _Ma'am? Are you serious?!_

Reneesme sat there while Jasper gushed in the other room. She didn't go into the kitchen because the first time she did that, she saw Esme eating smelly chunks of white with a fork while Carlisle was laughing on the floor. At first glance, the white chunks looked like powdered doughnuts. But once Reneesme got a whiff of the chunks, she almost went into a coma. They smelled worse than rotting dairy, which was ironic because they _were_ rotting dairy.

Reneesme's been walking around with a bottle in her mouth all day long. The baby bottle that was in her mouth was filled with baby formula. _Ugh. I hate grandpa_, Reneesme muttered mentally. Reneesme could taste all of the powder mixed in with the water, and it tasted like, well… crap. Reneesme knew how much Edward hated it when she cussed mentally, but now she couldn't help it. _Son of a_

"Now, Reneesme, what did I tell you about cursing?" she heard Edward behind her. Reneesme turned around and almost choked on the formula. She pulled the bottle out of her mouth, swallowed hard, and started cracking up laughing at the sight of her dad. She practically went to tears.

Edward stood in front of her with a pretty sizeable amount of make-up covering his face. Alice put an ocean of blue eye shadow on him with a river of eye liner outlining his eyes. There was a lot of pink blush on his cheeks, making it look like he was blushing. His lips were covered in blood red lipstick that could replace a stop sign any day. His eyelashes were longer and darker, due to heavy amounts of mascara, and Alice even added an extra line on each side of his eyes to make him look extra girly.

Edward glared at his daughter and cussed under his breath. "Just put that damn bottle back in your mouth before you get hurt."

Reneesme, still trying to stop laughing, grabbed the bottle and put it in her mouth; she was still giggling when he left the room.


	5. Esme's List

~**I don't own these characters**

A/N: Sorry about the slow updates people! God knows I need at least 24 hours of sleep to make up for all these sleepless nights and school crap. Anyways, here ya go!

Esme's List

Emmett stomped into the living room the next day, trying as best he could to get the image of the last yaoi couple out of his head. _Who knew gays could be so creative in bed…?_

Just as he sat down on the couch, Bella stomped through the front door with and angry look on her face. Yesterday, she came home redder than any vampire Emmett's ever seen. Now, she just looked pissed. She changed out of her skanky outfit as soon as she got home. Now, she donned a long cotton dress that went to her ankles. _She must be feeling self-conscious…_

She flopped down on the couch next to Emmett and growled loudly. "I fucking hate Carlisle! Do you know how many people touched my butt? I lost count at 30!" She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, making Emmett crack up laughing.

"I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Edward said, coming through the front door with Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Reneesme behind him. "Last time I checked, you watched 6 yaoi movies, but got a boner on the 4th one─"

"Shut _up_!" Emmett snapped, but it was too late.

"Emmett, I didn't know you rolled that way. Could of fooled me." Alice giggled.

"Aw man, your silent spree is over? I hope Esme orders one of us to stuff a sock down your throat. And I wouldn't be laughing, Jasper. I heard you giggling about Supermarket Boy with Leah. I'm not deaf."

Jasper and Alice glared at Emmett. They were about to lash back, but Esme and Carlisle strolled through the door. Carlisle looked amused while Esme looked sick. Literally.

"Ugh," she whined, "I feel like I'm about to throw up. I hate you, Carlisle. But you're gonna hate me after I'm done with you."

Carlisle's amused expression vanished, and nervousness filled its place. "Oh God…"

Esme turned to the rest of them with a smile on her face. "Okay, are you guys ready?" Unlike yesterday, no one was enthusiastic. Everyone just murmured slight yes's and turned away. But Esme exploded with enthusiasm. She turned to Carlisle with an evil grin.

"Carlisle, you have to aggressively hit on Emily right in front of Sam."

Carlisle recoiled as if he's been slapped. "Are you serious?! Sam's gonna kill me!"

"Well, it sucks to be you." Rosalie snickered. Emmett tried his best not to roll on the floor, but the look on Carlisle's face was priceless. Reneesme fell to the floor laughing, however, and burst into tears.

Seeing Reneesme's reaction, Esme turned to her with an evil smile. "Reneesme, you're gonna have to spend the day with Jacob _without_ biting him."

"Ha!" Jasper laughed. Reneesme stopped laughing and threw a glare at Jasper that was as sharp as daggers. She definitely had a good portion of her mother in her.

"Edward," Esme continued, "you have to walk into a gay bar shirtless and do whatever the people in there say to do; whether grinding against someone while dancing, or going to into the back room to make out."

Edward's jaw dropped to the floor as Reneesme went into hysterics again, this time with Emmett joining her. Bella bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing, knowing that she was next. As predicted, Esme turned to Bella and cracked up laughing before she could get the words out.

"Bella…" Esme laughed. "Bella, you have to give Charlie a lap dance─"

"Are you serious?!" Bella growled, jumping out of her seat. Everyone was practically laughing now, even Edward.

Esme turned to Jasper and grinned. "You have to eat nothing but human food for 24 hours."

"Ew! Jesus Christ, this is child abuse!" Jasper wailed.

"Alice," Esme continued, "you have to watch all of the Star Wars movies!"

"NO!" Alice pulled her face into her hands and whimpered. She hated Star Wars. She couldn't even make it through one without going ballistic.

Esme, who caught Emmett rolling on the floor, laughed out loud. "I wouldn't be laughing, Emmett. _You_ have to watch all of the Bring It On movies. _All of them_!"

Emmett sat up and glared at Esme violently. "I hate you."

Rosalie stopped laughing, realizing that she was the only one who didn't get sentenced. She looked up at her mom with begging eyes. "Mom, you love me, right?" she whimpered. "You wouldn't do anything to me that was mean, right?"

Esme looked down on Rosalie with mischievous eyes. "Oh, I do love you, child. But that's not enough to keep me from making you do this. You have to come on to Jacob all day long."

Everyone erupted in laughter again as Rosalie stared at her mother through a layer of hatred. _This is gonna be a long day_


	6. Esme's Giggle

~**So sorry! I know all of you have been DYING for me to update!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters**

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Esme's Giggle

Carlisle leaned against the counter-top of his kitchen nervously twirling his thumbs. He had just got off the phone with Emily ten minutes ago, inviting Sam and her over to hang out with Reneesme. He didn't want to make that call, but inviting Jacob made him feel better. _I can't wait to see Rosalie pull this off, _he thought eagerly. _Her, hitting on Jacob of all people? This is just too good!_

The doorbell rang, shaking Carlisle with a healthy dose of reality check. He was about to get his ass whooped.

He trudged to the door, trying not laugh at the sight of Emmett sitting on the couch watching Bring It On. He opened the door, and put on his best smile for Sam and Emily.

Sam and Emily stood at the doorstep, smiling. "Hello!" they chorused together. However, Carlisle practically smelled the tension that was rolling off Sam's back. Carlisle knew how nervous he must feel. He was about to walk into a vampire invested house with the woman he loved. No doubt that he was on his guard. _Wonderful_, Carlisle sighed.

He stepped aside and let the two figures in. Sensing their arrival, Reneesme ran downstairs and jumped straight into Emily's arms. "Hi!"

Emily looked startled at the sight of the child. Emily's never met Reneesme in person, so this was new for her. Sam looked like he was ready to kill someone, and Carlisle could tell that he was about to say something, but then Jacob strolled in with a smile on his face.

"Reneesme, sweetheart, you need to be more polite." Jacob informed her kindly.

Reneesme nodded and jumped out of Emily's arms. She looked up at Emily with an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Emily giggled. "You must be little Ms. Reneesme Cullen. My name is Emily." Emily stuck out her hand for a hand shake, one which Reneesme reached up and took. They shook hands and grinned at each other, but Carlisle could see how strained Reneesme was. She was trying not to bite her.

Reneesme looked up at Carlisle, almost as if she heard his thoughts, and her grin widened. "Hey, Grandpa? Didn't you say you were going to teach Emily how to make crab ravioli?"

Carlisle fought with all his might not to reach down and slap the evil child. She was trying to get Carlisle and Emily alone, and he knew it. Carlisle mentally hoped Emily wouldn't buy into the bait, but his hopes were quickly crushed when he saw the look of excitement on Emily's face.

"Crab ravioli? That sounds delicious, Carlisle! Are you really going to teach me?" she asked with pleading eyes.

Carlisle mentally cursed himself for being so gullible towards begging women. He couldn't turn down a face like that. He smiled and scratched his head. "Yeah, if you really want to learn─"

"Yippee!" Emily beamed while jumping up. Sam laughed, slightly easing up.

"Hey, Jake?" Reneesme asked with another evil smile. "Since you know so much about cars, do you think you could teach me about my parents' cars? My dad seems so excited about his car, and I think it's kinda cool…"

She didn't need to say anything else. Jacob was already striding towards the door with Reneesme on his tail. That left Emily, Sam, and Carlisle in the front room. Carlisle sighed and took Emily's hand and led her into the kitchen. Sam was about to follow, but Emily shook her head and shooed him away.

"I want it to be a surprise!" she said. "Wait here."

With that, Carlisle started showing her how to make crab ravioli, while mentally trying to find an opening. After a the crab raviolis were in the steamer, Carlisle made light conversation with Emily. He couldn't help but notice the long scar that went down Emily's face. He wasn't being malicious or anything, but he couldn't help but feel bad.

Emily noticed him noticing her, and sighed. "Did Bella ever tell you about how I got this scar?"

"Oh, um… no she didn't… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. As a doctor, I can't help but notice things like that…"

Emily smiled at him and looked down at the floor blushing. "I can't believe you're a doctor… It must be hard…"

"Well," Carlisle said in a huskily, "it can get a little tough. But I just think about my family, and then I feel better."

"Is it hard to be so close to blood all the time?"

Carlisle walked over to her and leaned close to her, making her heart jump. "Actually," he whispered. "I find it quite easy."

"Oh my…" Emily murmured. "I-It can't be _that easy_…"

Carlisle bent down and kissed Emily's neck, making her shiver. "No, it's really easy. Do I need to prove it to you?"

Emily's breath sped up as she looked into Carlisle's golden eyes. She bit her lip and looked away nervously. Carlisle went to her right ear and blew into it, making her gasp.

"Are you afraid?" he whispered seductively.

"Y-Yes…" she stuttered. Carlisle lifted his head and kissed up her jaw-line until he got to her lips. He was about to kiss her, but he was interrupted by a loud gasp.

"C-C-Carlisle?!" Sam bellowed loudly. "What the _hell_ are you doing?!"

Carlisle lifted his head smirked at Sam. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm cooking."

Sam's whole body shook like an earthquake as he glared daggers at Carlisle. "My _fiancee_ is _not_ on the menu!"

Carlisle looked back at Emily, whom has fainted against the counter-top with a good amount of blood rushed to her face. "Whoops. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was just trying to show her my sober attitude, and she seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, but─"

His smart-ass speech was cut short as Sam appeared in front of him and punched him in the face. Carlisle fell to the floor, only to catch himself on his hands. He glared up at Sam as Sam took his unconscious wife into his arms and stalked out the room shaking.

* * *

Edward walked into the dimmed bar-place and strode silently to the bar. There were quite a few people in the dimmed place, all of them shirtless. Edward looked up at the red and blue neon sign above the bar that read _**Fridays – Shirtless Day. Any man who doesn't take off his shirt will be kicked out, unless he has medical reasons**_

Edward sighed and looked down at his polo jacket. _You knew this was coming, Edward. Just take off the shirt and buy a drink. Esme said to just buy a drink and spend an hour or two. This is nothing._

Edward pulled off his jacket and his blue t-shirt. The neon lights above the bar danced off his skin in weird ways, almost making his skin glow in the dark.

The bartender, a young brunette who was also shirtless, came over to where Edward was sitting and smiled. "Hello, Mr. Cullen. How may I help you?"

Edward stared at the bartender in surprise. He didn't remember ever meeting this bartender, or ever telling him his name. He's never even seen him before. "You know my name?"

The bartender grinned widely, showing the dimples in his pale face. "Of _course_ I know you. Everyone knows you and your family. Didn't you just get married a couple years ago? You do know that this is a _gay bar_, right?"

Edward lowered his eyes to his twirling fingers, trying his best to look shy. "I-I just… Can I tell you a secret?"

_OhmyGod, _the bartender thought. _He is just too cute. Man, I wish he was gay and single. I bet I could get into those pants any day. He is so damn sexy. I just wanna eat him!_

"Well," the bartender recovered from his naughty thoughts. "Of course you can tell me a secret!" _Anything for you, sugar, _he added mentally.

Edward tried his best not to smile, knowing it would probably throw off his game. "Well… I really love my wife. But… I'm starting to notice other men… And I… I was looking for someone to _experiment_ with…" Edward bit his lip seductively and looked up at the startled bartender threw his eyelashes. "Do you know of anyone that could help me out?"

Edward could practically hear the saliva that was flowing through the guy's mouth. The bartender shuddered with desire and smiled. "I might know a guy or two… I'm Kevin, by the way."

"Hey Kevin!" someone boomed behind Edward. "Stop flirting with the straight guy and get us some drinks!"

Kevin tore his gaze from Edward and glared past him. Edward turned around and took in the totally ripped guy behind him whom was eyeing him suspiciously. Edward spun back around and smiled shyly. "Can I have a Coke?" he whispered to Kevin.

Kevin winked at Edward and turned to retrieve a Coke. Edward took this moment to notice how everyone was interested in him being here:

_Why the hell is he here?_

_Is he trying to mock us?_

_Maybe he's really gonna leave his wife…_

_He is just too cute!_

_God, I wanna spank that ass…_

Edward gulped at the last thought. That thought came from the buff guy behind him. Kevin came back with a cup of a dark drink with bubbles rising to the top. "There you go," Kevin said. "Do you need anything else?" _Please, please, please ask me again about your little problem_, Kevin begged mentally. _I'll show you a good time, I swear!_

Edward sighed and took a long sip of his soda, silently torturing Kevin and everyone who was watching him. When he was done, he licked the excess soda off of his lips slowly and looked back at Kevin. He looked like he might launch himself at Edward.

"Well," Edward murmured. "I _still_ don't know who can help me with my little problem. I mean, I see _plenty_ of attractive men in here, but I just can't choose. I'm thinking about the guy behind me, you know, the totally hot buff guy… But…"

"But…?" Kevin echoed eagerly.

Edward bit his bottom lip again and looked up at Kevin through his lashes. "Do you think maybe I could practice with _you_ first? I'm a little nervous…"

Kevin trembled in anticipation and smiled. "Well… um… sure! But we'd have to go in the back…" _I must be dreaming, I must be dreaming!_

"Anything that works for you," Edward winked. _Okay, enough with the flirting. Just get this over with so you could go home and kick Esme's ass_.

Kevin took Edward's hand from his unfinished drink and led him to the back room, leaving a crowd of surprised faces behind them.

* * *

Bella watched Charlie eat while trying to find a way to get out of this. _This is so gross!_, she thought. _I hate you, Esme!_

Charlie looked up from his plate and stared at Bella curiously. "Something wrong, sweetheart?"

_Yes_. "No," Bella lied.

"Are you sure?" Charlie said, clearly not buying her lie. He got up from his seat and walked over to Bella. "Is there something you wanna talk about?"

Bella bit her lip and nodded slowly. "Can you, um, sit down in that chair?" she pointed at the empty chair in front of her. Charlie looked at her, unsure, but went and sat down as she said.

Bella couldn't help but squirm a little. Under the big overcoat that went to her ankles, she was wearing nothing but black lingerie. _Charlie is going to shoot me_, Bella thought desperately. _Son of a_

"Bella?" Charlie asked nervously. "What is it? You can tell me anything, just as long as you tell the truth."

"Daddy…" Bella murmured softly. "I've been having some weird feelings lately… Every time I have sex with Edward, I think about somebody else…"

Charlie looked at Bella with his eyes bugging out. "Um… Did you talk to Renee about this?"

"Yeah," Bella smiled. "She told me to tell you… But I just don't know how to say it, so I'm going to show you, okay?" When Charlie nodded, Bella squirmed nervously again. "Close your eyes." she whispered.

Charlie closed his eyes and held his breath. Bella took this time to take off the over coat. She shivered as she felt an inappropriate breeze pass through her cleavage, making her breath hitch. She walked over to Charlie and sat in his lap facing him. Charlie winced at the contact and pursed his lips in confusion.

Bella bent down to his ear and whispered seductively, "Open your eyes, daddy…"

Charlie's eyes opened slowly, only to go wide as he took in what Bella was wearing. Bella heard his heartbeat speed up to the point whereas Bella was afraid he'd have a heart-attack.

"B-B-B-Bella?!" Charlie yelped. He tried to squirm out of the chair, but Bella locked her legs around his waist, giving him nowhere to go.

"Papa," Bella moaned into his ear while grinding against Charlie. "I-I-I can't help how I feel… When you're in uniform… _God_ I love it when you're in uniform! It's so… _sexy_…"

Charlie bit down on his lip to prevent himself from moaning. The friction was just too much. "B-Bella! I'm your _father_! This is so wrong─"

"But it feels _so_ right!" Bella moaned loudly as she threw her head back and combed her fingers through her hair. She moved her hips in large circles and waved her head wildly. Bella knew that Charlie was useless against her grip. She knew that the only thing he could do was sit there and take it like a man.

"Bella, _please!_" He snarled angrily. "Get off─"

"No!" Bella shouted, working her hands down his shirt and unbuttoning it before he could abject. "I've waited too long for this moment!"

"Bella, dammit, CUT IT OUT!!!"

* * *

Jasper stared at the large plate of food that sat in front of him. Esme, who sat across from him, grinned widely and giggled. They were sitting at Denny's. There weren't many people in the restaurant, to Jasper's relief.

However, Esme decided to order 4 pancakes, 3 eggs scrambled hard, 3 strips of bacon, sausage, and ham, and a side order of hash browns. _Ew_, Jasper shivered.

"You better eat it all," Esme snickered, "or else the waitress will get upset."

Jasper glared at Esme while picking up his fork. He stabbed a large piece of eggs and put it in his mouth. He pushed himself not to gag at the bland taste of eggs in the morning, and swallowed it without chewing it. Esme didn't miss it.

"Na uh. You chew your food, Jasper." she chanted. "Chew it well, so you don't choke."

"So help me, woman…" Jasper muttered as he took a sausage link and took a bite.

* * *

Alice sat in her room staring at the small TV Esme put in there. She was watching Star Wars: Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith. She couldn't even remember what was going on, it was so boring. Her mouth drooped open as she tried to take in the "epic" fight scene.

"Oh please," Alice snorted. "More like _epic fail_."

She was going to kill Esme for this. Esme made her watch all of the old versions, _and_ the new versions. If she heard one more thing about "the dark side", she was going to vomit and make Esme eat it.

_I wonder how Emmett's doing…_

_

* * *

_Emmett sat on the couch groaning in exasperation as he watched yet _another_ cheer routine. At first, watching girls in super short skirts wasn't so bad. But after watching a crap load of crappy cheer movies, all with the almost _exactly_ same plot, Emmett thought he was going to hurl himself out the window.

He watched the movies out of order, seeing that there was no specific order, and hated himself for doing so. He was stuck watching the first Bring It On, where the chick with the black hair was telling her older brother to, "Be aggressive. Be-Be Aggressive."

"Suck my balls. Suck-Suck my balls." Emmett muttered.

Emmett couldn't help but notice Reneesme taking Jacob into the garage with an evil smile on her face. _I feel so bad for Rose_, Emmett thought.

* * *

Rosalie sat in the garage and scratched nervously at her head. _How am I going to do this?! This is bestiality!_

Reneesme and Jacob entered the garage with smiles on their faces. Jacob was totally oblivious as to what was about to go down.

He took one good look at Rosalie, and his smile disappeared. Reneesme tugged at his long button-up shirt and whispered, "Oh, um, I forgot to do something. I'll be right back!"

With that, she ran out of the garage, leaving Jacob and Rosalie staring at each other. She planted her best smile on her face gestured towards the seat next to her. "Come sit with me, Jake. I need to talk to you."

Jacob cautiously walked over and sat down. He leaned away from her and cocked his eyebrow. "Um… What do you wanna talk about?"

Rosalie leaned towards him took his face into her palm. Jacob tensed up, and she saw how ready he was to run for the hills. She had to fight the temptation to laugh. "Jake, sweetie, I haven't been that nice to you. There's a reason why… It's because of Emmett."

"Emmett? Why would Emmett make you hate me?"

"Because," I sighed, "he's jealous…"

His eyes widened in shock, clearly believing Rosalie's lie. "Why would he be jealous of _me_? And what does that have to do with you?"

In one swift movement, Rosalie got up and sat on Jacob's lap facing him. He yelped in surprise and tried to wiggle out, but Rosalie held him in place. "Please, Jake, let me explain─"

"Is it possible for you to explain this to me _over there?!_" Jacob growled. However, even though he was clearly angry, Rosalie saw how his eyes kept wandering down to her tight pink tank top that popped out her breasts and her way-too-short shorts that were riding up her backside, showing plenty of her thighs.

Rosalie smiled and bent down to his ear. "You see," she whispered seductively, "I have a think for you. Believe or not, I've had my eye on you from day one."

Rosalie ripped Jacob's shirt open, revealing his well-developed abs and six-pack. _Was he always this hot shirtless?_ Rosalie thought to herself. _God help this boy._

Jacob looked up at Rosalie in alarm, not sure what to do. "R-R-Rosalie?! What in God's name are you _doing?!_"

Rosalie looked at Jacob and moistened her lip. "I want to fuck your brains out, Jacob! I want you to show me the true meaning of doggy-style!"

* * *

Reneesme listened to Rosalie and Jacob from her room and smiled. _I wonder if Uncle Emmett can hear this?_

Reneesme found herself thoroughly enjoying everyone's punishment. She thought that her punishment would be bad, but it was quite easy. Compared to Carlisle's punishment for her, this was a piece of cake!

* * *

Edward stumbled out of the storage room trying to catch his breath. He buttoned up his pants and tried to fix his unruly hair. Behind him, Kevin stumbled out of the storage room and grabbed Edward's ass, making him moan.

He slipped a paper into Edward's back pocket whispered in his ear, "Call me."

* * *

Charlie drove his car down the highway a little too fast for the slippery road, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get away from his house. _Far away_.

He never expected his daughter to do something so… _slutty_. He never thought that he would ever see her in lingerie. And he especially never thought he'd get a lap-dance from his own daughter. Hell must have froze over and pigs must be flying. _God help us all_.

Charlie pulled over to the side of the road and shut off his car. He fumbled for the phone in his pocket, cussing loudly at himself. He popped his phone open and dialed Renee's number harshly.

She picked up on the first ring. "Hey, Charlie!" she said in a way too high voice octave.

"Renee, you and I need to talk _now_!" Charlie snarled.

There was a brief silence before he heard her whisper to someone on the other line. "Charlie," she said exasperatedly. "Can't this wait? I'm having a bit of a… um… _romantic moment_."

"Well it can wait, because your daughter almost got shot today!"

Renee gasped. "What?! Jesus, Charlie, is she okay?!"

Charlie had to check himself, knowing that Renee didn't know that Bella was a vampire. In fact, Renee didn't know _anything_ about the Cullens or the La Push gang. She probably thinks that she _really_ almost got shot.

"Renee," he sighed impatiently. "No one _actually_ shot at her. But _I_ was honestly thinking about it─"

"Why?!" Renee snapped.

"You know why!"

"What are you talking about?" Renee asked.

Charlie froze. "Wait, she didn't talk to you about her little "problem" this morning?"

"Uh, no. Why? What's going on, Charlie?"

"Your daughter tied me down and gave me a lap dance because she thinks I'm sexy in my police uniform. She wore lingerie and everything…"

There was silence on the phone before Charlie heard Renee burst out laughing. "Charlie! Are you serious?! Oh. My. God! Ha! That is just too good! Please tell me you didn't moan! Please!"

When I didn't say anything, Renee started laughing even harder. "I-I-I'll call y-y-you back!"

She hung up the phone laughing, leaving Charlie cussing in the car. _I hate my life_.


	7. Edward's List

**~A/N: I'm sick again, and I'm not enjoying it. I'll try to get some updates in, but I can't promise you fast ones. Anyways, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but I do own Kevin (Edward's boy toy) and I'm very proud of the fact**

Edward's List

Edward walked into the living room and sank to the couch gratefully. He sighed heavily and put a pillow over his face. He could still feel the presence of Kevin's sinful kisses on his lips, neck, stomach, and… and… _Oh dear God_, he thought sadly. _Emmett's never gonna let me live this down_.

Edward took the pillow off of his face as Emmett and Alice entered the room. They both looked tired as hell. "What the hell? Was the movie _that_ bad?" Edward wondered aloud.

Emmett sat next to him and put his face in his hands. "You have _no_ idea. If I hear one more cheer, I'm going to kill myself."

Alice sat on the other side of Edward and shook her head. "Hey, at least you had hot babes to look at. Whoever made Star Wars needs to get laid or something. First of all, no one was even remotely cute in that movie. Secondly, the movie sucked. Thirdly, the movie sucked ass. Fourthly… need I go on?"

"Speaking of hot babes," Emmett said lifting his head out of his hands, "how was the gay bar?"

Edward winced and groaned loudly in exasperation. "It was horrible!" _Please drop the subject, please drop the subject_…

"Did you get anyone's number?" Alice giggled. Edward turned and glared at her. She knew the answer to that. She was just trying to piss Edward off.

"Yes," he huffed. "I got someone's number─"

"Who?!" Emmett asked excitedly.

"A guy named Kevin─"

"Ooo, that sounds promising!" Alice snickered. "So, did you make it to third base or did you make a _homerun_?"

"Alice!" Edward snapped.

"What? I'm just curious. You have guilt written all over you. You didn't cheat on Bella, did you?"

Edward looked away nervously and bit his lip. "No…"

Emmett jumped off the couch just as Rosalie, Jasper, and Bella filed into the living room. "You totally cheated on Bella!"

Bella stopped short and stared at Edward in unadulterated shock. "Huh?"

Edward jumped up quickly slapped the back of Emmett's head. "Shut it!"

"Edward?" Bella asked, more impatiently this time.

Edward looked at Bella and smiled sheepishly. "I didn't _actually _cheat on you. I just… um… sort of made out with a bartender named Kevin…"

There was an eerie silence as everyone stared at Edward. Suddenly, Carlisle, Esme, and Reneesme walked into the room. Esme and Reneesme looked happy, while Carlisle looked pissed. "I cannot believe you made me do that!" he was growling. "God knows what's going to happen the next time I see him!"

"What's going on?" Esme asked, completely ignoring Carlisle's bitch rant.

Suddenly, Jasper and Emmett erupted into laughter as they both fell to the ground holding their stomachs. Rosalie put her face into her hands and shook her head in disbelief. Alice pulled a pillow over her face to hold in the bubble of amusement that was rising out of her throat. And Bella just stared.

"Alright, alright! That's enough!" Edward growled. "Last time I checked, Rose and Jacob got busy in the garage, so I wouldn't be talking if I were you, Emmett."

Emmett stopped laughing and stared at a now very shocked Rose. "Whoa, hold the phone. What happened?"

Rosalie looked away nervously. "Edward was just about to tell us what we had to do, right Eddie?"

"Rose…" Emmett sounded angry. It was a rare sight to see Emmett angry at Rosalie.

"Moving on!" Esme said quickly before an argument could happeen. "Edward, if you would, please?"

"Okay!" Edward said cheerfully, all of his previous anger gone. "Bella?"

"Hm?" Bella mumbled, still distracted.

"You have to wear a visible thong with some low-rider jeans─"

"You son of a bitch!" Bella snapped. Jasper and Alice were rolling on the floor laughing as Edward looked at them with an evil grin. Both of them stopped and looked up at Edward in horror.

"Alice, you have to wear un-matching clothes in public."

"Aw man!" she whined. "Don't do this to me!"

Edward looked at Jasper and almost broke out laughing. "Jasper… um… you have to wear pink leggings and short shorts, and then stand in a military store for a couple hours─"

"Fuck that!" Jasper snarled. "I'm _not_ doing that!"

"Wal-mart…" Edward crooned evilly.

Jasper sighed heavily and looked away in defeat. "I fucking hate you."

Edward turned and looked at Esme. "Mom? You have to be mean to everyone who talks to you─"

"You go to hell, Edward." Esme muttered, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Good start." Carlisle chuckled.

"I wouldn't be laughing Carlisle," Edward laughed, "since _you_ have to chew tobacco all day long."

Jasper started laughing again while Esme gasped in disgust. Carlisle glared daggers at his son. "I should of let you die in 1918."

"Rose?"

Rosalie jumped and looked at Edward with pleading eyes. "Oh, Edward! You know you're my favorite brother, right?"

"Mhm," Edward snickered. "Well, your favorite brother wants you to bathe in mud for six hours."

Rosalie's mouth dropped to the floor and her eyes popped open. "No way…"

"Emmett?" Edward couldn't control the laughter anymore. "You have to listen to as many girl pop songs as possible!"

Emmett, whom was already pissed off, snarled and glared at Edward as if he wanted to kill him. Emmett can only take so much in one day.

"Nessie?" Edward said finally. "You have to sit in your room and do absolutely nothing. No talking, no drawing, no playing, nothing!"

Reneesme glared up at her dad and scowled fiercely. "I'm disowning you."

"This is going to be so much fun!" Edward said excitedly.

"Hey, why don't you call Kevin and make it a party?" Emmett snapped as he stalked out of the room.


	8. Edward's Chuckle

**~A/N – I love it when you guys beg me to update. It makes me want to update even more. So please, keep up with the R&R's, because I need you guys to get me off my lazy behind. Anyways, enjoy! And if any of you want to make any deviant-arts for this, then by all means, PM me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but I'm about to abuse them anyways .**

**

* * *

  
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Edward's Chuckle

Bella squirmed uncomfortably in her low-rider jeans. She felt an inappropriate breeze pass down her backside as she bent down too pick up a fallen pillow off of her room floor. She sighed heavily and walked slowly to the big mirror in her bathroom. She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

Bella looked at the girl in the mirror in awe. The girl had on a white t-shirt that showed her flat, pale stomach. The girl's jeans just about barely covered her waistline, and it didn't even attempt to cover the hot pink thong strings that gripped the girl's waist. The jeans themselves were tight around the girl's legs, magnifying her hourglass figure and righteous thighs. _OhmyGod, that girl is me!_

Edward waltzed into the bathroom with a smile on his face before he stopped and did a double-take. He practically raped Bella with his eyes, making her fidget uncomfortably.

"Is there any chance you cann_ot_ stare at me like I'm some slut on the corner?" Bella seethed.

Edward chuckled and combed his hands through his hair. "There's no need to feel self-conscious, Bells. And you don't look like a slut. You look… just too damn sexy for words, actually. To call you a slut is like glorifying all the sluts across the world. None of them have anything on you."

Bella looked away, knowing that if she were human, she would be blushing up a storm right now. Speaking of human… "Hey, Edward?"

"Hm?" he said halfheartedly, too distracted to really be paying attention.

"Who's this _bartender_ that you cheated on me with?"

Edward stopped eyeing over her body and stared at her in shock. "What bartender?"

_Oh, now he's playing stupid._ "You know… Kevin…?"

Realization passed over Edward's face as he looked away and bit his lip in nervousness. "Nothing really happened…"

"Did you _not_ say that you made out with him?" Bella nearly shouted in frustration.

"Well… Shouldn't you be walking around right now?"

"Shouldn't you be telling the truth right now?" Bella countered.

Edward flinched and threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! I… I had… I sort of…"

"Spit it out."Bella put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot in impatience.

"I… um… I…"

"Edward!" Bella snapped. "Just say it! I'm not going to kill you, for crying out loud. I just wanna hear you tell the truth!"

Edward sighed and crossed his arms across his chest. "I went all the way with Kevin at the back of the bar…"

It was silent in the room as Edward's words sunk in. Finally, Bella asked, "_All_ the way? Like… you two…?"

"Fucked. Yes Bella, we fucked." Edward sighed.

Suddenly, Bella bursted out laughing as she leaned against the mirror frame. "Y-You had sex with a _bartender_?! OhmyGod, Edward, you hooked up with a man? Are you coming out of the closet? It's about time!"

"Esme told me to!" Edward snarled.

"No she didn't!" Bella laughed loudly. "She asked you to go with the flow, not go with _Kevin's_ flow! Oh jeez, Edward! How am I supposed to trust you if I know you're going to be fucking bartenders?"

"…"

Bella stopped laughing and looked at Edward. "You were the one doing the fucking, right?"

Edward looked away again and bit his lip. Bella gasped.

"OhmyGod, don't tell me he fucked _you!_ _He_ fucked _you?_ As in, you were the one on your hands and knees?"

When Edward didn't answer, Bella started laughing again, harder than she's ever had. She fell to the floor as Edward glared at her and clenched his jaw.

"Just for being the way you are, I want you to stop by the Forks Police Station."

Bella stopped laughing and looked up at Edward in horror. "You don't mean…?"

Edward grinned evilly. "Yep. You're paying dear Charlie a visit in your new outfit."

* * *

Carlisle sat on his bed chewing at the crap in his mouth in disdain. He could taste the nicotine as it fused into his saliva. He grimaced as he accidently swallowed some.

He took the bucket next to his bed and spat out the tobacco. _This shit is gross!_

Carlisle knew that he had to keep going. He knew that he had to keep chewing that crap by his bedpost. He grabbed some and popped it into his mouth. He chewed slowly and almost gagged at the taste and the feeling of the tobacco attaching itself to his teeth.

_Ugh…_

_

* * *

_Esme sat at the kitchen table quietly fuming. She couldn't help but wonder why Edward chose this punishment of all punishments. He knew that Esme couldn't be mean; no matter how hard she tried, simply because it hurt to see the looks on people's faces when she was mean.

The doorbell rang, making Esme wince as she realized that the mayhem was about to commence. She walked to the door and opened it to find Sam and Jacob standing at the door. Sam looked all around pissed, while Jacob looked awkward. _I wonder if he and Rose really had sex in the garage…_

"Hey, Esme." Jacob said sheepishly.

She ignored him and glared at Sam. "What the hell is your problem?"

Sam looked at Esme in shock. "What's with you?"

"What's with me?" Esme echoed angrily. "I don't know, maybe it's the fact that _someone_ punched out my husband yesterday. Or maybe it's the fact that my daughter had sex with a dog in my fucking garage. I don't know, Sam. I'm not God. I don't _have_ all the answers!"

Jacob and Sam looked at Esme as if she finally lost it. Finally, Sam spoke up. "May I come in? I would like to speak to you about… about your husband."

Esme stepped aside without a word and let them in. _This might be fun. Maybe this is the time to let off steam_.

Jacob and Sam walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. The both situated themselves as Esme popped herself onto the counter and glared back at them. "What do you want?"

"I don't understand how you're mad at me for punching Carlisle when he was the one who was flirting with another woman─"

"When you've lived as long as I have, you tend not to care about _flirting_," Esme sighed dismissively. "This isn't middle school. It's not like he was going to plop her right on the counter and fuck her. And even if he wanted to, it sure didn't seem like Emily was saying no."

"Now, you wait just a damn minute─" Sam started.

"No, _you_ wait, because I'm not done. How about you give a little pep talk to your wifey? I have Carlisle by the ass, and I'm not worried about him cheating. Now, I'm not sure if you trust Emily like that. So maybe you should work on that. But don't come into my house expecting me to bust a breast over _flirting_."

Sam stared at Esme in shock and dismay, while Jacob clamped his lips together to stop himself from laughing. Esme saw this and smiled evilly.

"I wouldn't be laughing, mutt. You and I need to have a little talk. You see, you and Rose _actually_ had sex, am I wrong?"

Jacob flinched and looked away. "It was an accident. I wasn't planning on being seduced, Esme. I kept saying no, but she wouldn't let up. I was going to throw her off of me, but she was a little… _too_ convincing…"

_Emmett is going to kick your ass_, Esme giggle mentally. "She's a married woman. You should know better."

"Shouldn't _she_ know better?" Jacob countered.

_Huh. That's a good point… I'll be sure to talk to her about that_. "Well, whatever. I'll let you off the hook. But Emmet won't be so merciful."

"He knows?!" Jacob gasped loudly. "Who the fuck told him?!"

"Edward did." Esme giggled. "First he takes your bitch. Now, he gives you a death sentence. Sucks to be you!"

* * *

Jasper scowled at the ceiling as he leaned against the wall of the Special Forces store. He could feel people staring at him in shock and dismay, and he wished they'd go away. As Edward said, Jasper donned pink leggings and short shorts. He wore Rosalie's pink jacket, too, just so he could match. _Fuck my life, fuck my life…._

The swirling emotions around the store was making Jasper feel dizzy. Confusion, humor, disgust, dismay, awkwardness, entertainment, horniness─

_Whoa, someone in this store needs to come out the closet_.

Jasper traced the seductive emotion to a man at the checkout. He was a police officer, one of Charlie's men, in fact. His name was Ron Goodman.

He was buying a new flashlight and some shiny new black boots. However, he wasn't paying attention to the cashier, whom was now getting impatient with him. No, he was staring at Jasper with wide-eyes. Anyone would just mistake this for shock, but Jasper knew what he was thinking. _He wants to get in these shorts, dammit. I am so telling Charlie_.

Ron licked his lips and went back to paying for his stuff, although he was still very distracted. Jasper took notice in the bulge that was growing in the man's pants. Jasper suddenly felt very aware of how tight the shorts felt on him… A little _too_ tight…

* * *

Alice trudged down the street feeling like a fool. She was wearing red skinny jeans and a navy blue v-neck t-shirt. She also took the decency to wear car-stopping yellow boots that were so bright, they were hard to look at.

Everyone she passed did a double-take, and not in the way she liked. Many girls that passed giggled to themselves and took pictures with their phones. _I will shove that phone where it hurts…_

Alice knew that it was wrong to feel mad at the people she was passing. She would be laughing too if she saw someone walking down the street who looked clearly color blind. Someone who takes all the primary colors on the color wheel and wears them in one outfit should be slapped.

_Edward's gay ass is gonna get it_, she seethed mentally.

Almost as if on cue, Kevin turned the corner as she approached it. Alice felt suddenly evil and mischievous in every sense of the word. She walked up to Kevin and gave him a light and hearty, "Hi!"

Kevin looked at her in shock and cocked his head. "Hey… have we met before?"

Alice ignored the irritation that bubbled up inside of her and laughed. "Of course we have. I'm Edward Cullen's little sister, Alice."

"Oh! Hi, Alice! It's been a while… May I ask you two things?"

"Sure!"

"One: What in God's name are you wearing?" he asked, pointing at her outfit.

Alice looked away in embarrassment and sighed. "It's a long story that pretty much ends with me having to wear this unwillingly. What's your other question?" Although she already knew what his next question was going to be.

"Um… Is your brother gonna call me back?" he asked innocently.

Alice looked at him and smiled sweetly. "I _think_ so. He's still unsure of whether he's straight or bisexual. He's leaning towards the bisexual, but he still unsure. Plus, Bella found out, and I think they're supposed to be talking about it today…"

"Oh." he said, not hiding his disgust.

"Don't worry! Bella's not the kind of girl who'd be disgusted or anything. In fact, she's the kind of girl who'd laugh her ass off and keep moving."

"So… do you think we'll hook up again?" he asked hopefully.

_Tell the truth, or lie through my teeth? …. The truth it is._ "Totes, my friend. Totes."

* * *

Emmett lied on his bed listening to "Love Story" by Taylor Swift in indignation. He's listened to about 150 girly songs, all of them he hated. Except for maybe "Barbie Girl" by God knows who. He actually thought that song was funny.

But that wasn't what was ticking him off. It was the fact that his wife cheated on him with that mutt. _Esme didn't tell her to fuck him. She told her to flirt with him. There's a fucking difference!_

He couldn't ignore Jacob's voice that was coming from downstairs, even when he cranked up his music. He wanted so badly to run downstairs and kick his ass, but he had to stay up here. He'd save _that_ for his day off.

As the song switched to "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne, Emmett thought of different ways to kill Jacob.

* * *

Rosalie settled into the tub of sludge in disgust. But at the same time, the mud felt really good. It was relaxing, actually. However, the fact that she had to sit here for 6 hours was a little uncomfortable. Also, Emmett was in the next room. And Jacob was downstairs… _Ugh_…

Rosalie bit her lip as she tried to listen to Jacob's conversation. But she couldn't come close to concentrating because the look of devastation on Emmett's face when he found out kept flooding her mind. She didn't even remember why she went all the way with him. It just sort of _happened_.

She suddenly remembered Jacob's hot abs and sighed in depression. _Christ, I'm such a whore! Why does he have to be so hot?! It's criminal. His rockin' bod, his luscious lips, his delicious dick_

_Whoa! Slow down there, tigress!_

_

* * *

_Reneesme sat on her bed in pure frustration. She's been sitting there for hours on end doing absolutely nothing, and it was mind-blowingly annoying. She thought it was going to be easy like the last challenge, but it turned out to be ten times worse than the first challenge.

_OhmyGod, somebody shoot me!_

To distract herself, she thought about Jacob and Rosalie. The thought of those two "wrestling it out" in the garage was funny at first. Now, it's a little bothersome. Reneesme couldn't recognize the emotion that practically flooded her vision as she thought of her aunt's lips on Jacob's.

Suddenly, she realized it was jealousy.

* * *

Bella sat in the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo as he parked the car in front of the Police Station. He put the car in park and stared at Bella expectantly.

"Well, go on." he gestured towards the car door.

"I'm _not_ going in alone."

"Yes you are." Edward said simply.

"No, I'm not."

"Why, yes, you are. I'm not gonna argue with you, Bells. Either you do this, or I'm going to make Wal-Mart seem like hell on earth─"

"Fine!" Bella snapped as she jumped out of the car and slammed the car door. She stomped into the Police Station and stopped as she took in the mass of faces all zeroed in on her and her low-rider jeans. In a half a second, Bella saw all the men in the Station drop their jaws and pop their eyes. All the women just stared. Not even in jealousy, or disgust. No, they just _stared_.

Bella saw Charlie walk out of the back room with papers in his hands. When he saw her, he froze mid-stride and stared at her in pure horror.

Bella planted a fake smile onto her face. "Hi, daddy! I just wanted to drop by and say hi!"

"Uh… hey…" Charlie said, still not recovered. Bella took this chance and tried to walk out of the hellhole. But she accidently knocked down a stack of papers by the door. Her first impulse was to run, but then she realized how rude that would be. So, she decided to bite the bullet.

She bent down to pick up the papers. She had to fight the shivers that ran up her spine as she felt more of her backside being revealed. Behind her, she heard a chorus of hoots and howls from the guys, followed by the sounds of cameras.

She picked up all the papers and set them back on the desk. She turned around and blew a kiss to everyone, just for the show of it, and then walked out of the Police Station, leaving behind an even louder chorus of horny howls.

She jumped into the car and shut the door quickly. "Please, please, _please_ drive this car as far from here as possible!"

Edward started cracking up laughing as he pulled out of the parking lot and away from the horny mayhem. "Man, it must suck to be you."


	9. Bella's List

**~A/N – Fast update time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, grasshoppa**

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Bella's List

Bella and Edward trudged into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. Edward sighed loudly and looked at Bella.

"Who in the hell gave Kevin my phone number?" he asked jadedly.

"Don't look at me. Go ask Alice."

"I can't believe he left me 53 messages on my phone!" Edward wailed.

"Yeah," Bella agreed. "I almost threw your phone out the window."

Bella sat up on the couch just as Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle walked down the stairs. Bella couldn't help but notice how strained Emmett and Rosalie looked next to each other.

"Oh, come on!" Bella threw her hands up in frustration. "You two can't possibly be _that_ mad at each other!"

Emmett sighed and sat next to Bella. "You have no idea… how mad I am…"

Rosalie flinched and leaned against the wall. "I'm sorry, Emmett! I let the game get to my head."

"So you tried to score _extra_ points?" Emmett huffed.

"Enough," Esme snapped, "this has got to stop! You guys should save the arguments for when the game is done. As of right now, however, no arguing is allowed."

"Listen to your mother," Carlisle agreed. Although, Bella noticed how strained he looked too.

"What's wrong, Carlisle?" she asked.

He put his face in his hands and shook his head. "I can still taste that damn nicotine. Ugh."

Jasper, Alice, and Reneesme walked through the door and joined them in the living room. "Aloha, amigos!" Alice beamed.

"Sweetheart," Jasper snickered, "those are two different languages."

"Whatever!" Alice said, unruffled.

"Why are _you_ so happy?" Edward asked suspiciously.

"Because my challenge is over." Alice said innocently. However, Edward continued staring at her, clearly not buying it.

"Anyways," Bella said getting up, "time for _my_ challenges!"

"Oh dear God," Edward whimpered.

"May I begin?" Bella asked happily.

"Be my guest." Carlisle said hesitantly.

"Okay!" she squealed happily while turning to Edward. "Edward, I want you to wear ass-length short shorts and bend down as much as possible in public!"

"Ha!" Emmett laughed, falling to the floor.

"You can't be serious!" Edward wailed. "Oh, come on!"

"Sucks to be you," Reneesme snickered.

"Reneesme," Bella laughed, "you have to eat nothing but vegetables all day long─"

"Ew!" Reneesme grimaced. "But why?"

"Because I said so." Bella said simply. "Carlisle, you have to run up to every pack member _naked_!"

Edward and Rosalie started cracking up laughing as Carlisle's jaw dropped. "You mother─"

"Esme," Bella ignored Carlisle, "you have to smoke as many cigarettes as possible in one day."

Esme growled loudly and glared at Bella. "You are the bane of my existence. Why cigarettes?!"

"Well, it looks like you and Carlisle are going to be smelling like tobacco for a long time!" Emmett laughed loudly.

"Emmett, I wouldn't be laughing, if I were you." Bella said evilly. "You have to lick a banana like a pervert in public."

Emmett stopped laughing and glared at Bella. "You Cullens are just trying to turn _all_ of us gay, aren't you? I'm gonna get molested!"

"Heh, man oh man, Emmett." Jasper laughed. "You better make that banana feel loved. Make it feel sexy─"

"Shut the hell up, Jasper," Emmett growled.

"Rosalie," Bella gasped between guffaws, "you have to remain in the same room as a clown for as long as you can."

Rosalie's eyes widened in horror. "_NO!!!_ Bella, please! I hate clowns! They freak me out!"

"If you don't do it, Rose," Bella warned, "then I'll make you go to Wal-Mart and dress up like a clown."

"I hate you!" Rosalie sobbed.

"Jasper," Bella said, trying, but failing, to keep a straight face. "You have to run around Forks singing the Circle of Life, from the Lion King."

"OhmyGod, can I sing back-up harmonies?" Edward laughed loudly.

"Grrr." Jasper growled.

"Alice," Bella continued, "you have to eat nothing but fast food for 24 hours!"

"Oh, Lord have mercy! You can't be serious!" Alice moaned.

"I better see you eat some McDonalds, Alice." Bella laughed. "And Burger King. And Taco Bell. And KFC. Need I go on?"

Alice groaned as Jasper joined Emmett on the floor laughing.

"Oh man, this is gonna be fun!" Bella beamed.


	10. Bella's Snicker

**~Caution: I will not be responsible for any deaths by laughter that may come from reading this. And please, keep this out of the reach of children. Lol**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these obviously abused characters. I'm sorry Stephanie Meyer!**

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Bella's Snicker

Edward walked down the street stiffly and wondered why he ever married Bella. He was tempted to reach down and pull the rough denim material out of the crack of his ass, but he was already embarrassed enough.

Edward was walking down the street with a normal white t-shirt, but with ass length short-shorts that, if he were human, would be cutting off the circulation in his balls. He went to Bally Fitness that had a wide glass window front. Inside, there were multiple people working on the treadmill, running at a steady pace.

Edward saw this as the perfect chance to do the unthinkable. He turned around and bent down in front of the window, pretending he dropped something.

Behind him, he heard several gasps. He also heard quite a few people flying off the treadmill in shock. He stifled his laughter and kept walking down the street, shaking his butt in the process.

_This might be a little fun_, he grinned inwardly.

He went to the storefront of the liquor store just a couple buildings down. He bent down again, and enjoyed the sound of a car almost crashing.

_Ha!_

Behind him, an old lady gasped and quickly fished a camera out of her purse. She took several pictures. He was about to keep going, but he stopped short when he looked up and saw Kevin staring at him with hungry eyes not even 4 inches away.

_Oh my God_, Kevin thought. _Please bend down again and let me get a view of that delicious behind…_

A chill went up Edward's spine as he scratched his head and chuckled nervously. "Hey, there."

"How come you never called me back?" Kevin asked almost immediately.

"Um…" Edward tried to search for all the excuses he could, but he came up with nothing. Finally, he settled for the truth. "What happened between us… it was only a one-night stand, okay? I love my wife…"

"Oh." Kevin said, visibly disappointed. _And here I thought he'd leave that bitch_.

Edward tried not to flinch at his thoughts and turned away. "See ya."

"Wait!" Kevin shouted suddenly. He ran up to Edward and grabbed him by the wrist, forcing him to turn. Edward half expected for Kevin to slap him, but he was wrong. What he got was a full blown kiss on the lips that was hot enough to set the world on fire.

_God dammit_, Edward thought. _Why is he so damn convincing?_

He wanted to get lost in the kiss, but he was suddenly shocked by one set of thoughts that beat out the rest. It was Jacob's thoughts.

_What the fuck?_ was all he thought as he stared at Edward and Kevin from across the street. Edward broke the kiss and stared wide-eyed at Jacob. That, however, is when he remembered what he was wearing and realized there is no possible way he can atone for this. He just made out with another man in shorts tight enough to make a dead man's legs scream in protest.

A thought came to Edward's mind: _Did Bella and Alice set this up?_

_

* * *

_Bella sat on the couch and snickered to herself. Even though Alice is pretty much pissed at her for making her eat greasy food all day, Bella could tell that Alice was having a series of visions she was enjoying. Alice had told Kevin to go to liquor store in town, while Bella told Jacob to go to the store across the street from the liquor store. Both Alice and Bella knew which route Edward would take.

_Hehe, perfection,_ Bella thought mischievously.

* * *

Carlisle ran through the woods and tried not to cringe at the breeze that raked over his naked body.

_I cannot believe this,_ Carlisle snapped inwardly. _I'm running ass-crack naked through the woods. And what if I see Sam first? He's gonna kill me!_

Carlisle suddenly caught the fresh sent of Seth and ran towards the origin. Carlisle tried to think of ways to make this easier, but he couldn't. He was about to molest a dog. That's just horrible.

He suddenly ran into a small clearing and right smack into Seth. They both went flying into the ground with a loud thud. Carlisle sat up quickly, afraid that he broke something in Seth's body. But he stopped short when he realized that Seth was naked too. Looks like he was getting dressed.

Seth looked up at Carlisle's naked body and gasped loudly. _This is your chance_, Carlisle chanted. _Just do it!_

Carlisle bent down again and hugged Seth in a tight embrace. Seth went rigid for a few seconds before awkwardly hugging him back. "Uh… Carlisle? You okay, man? And why are you naked…?"

Carlisle lifted his face out of Seth's neck and smiled down at him. "I just wanted to say hi. How are you today?"

Seth squirmed uncomfortably under Carlisle's embrace and looked away with a blush. "I'm okay… How are you?"

"I'm tremendously fine!" Carlisle said with a little too much excitement. In Carlisle's ears, it sounded like restraint. But, telling by the look on Seth's face, it sounded a little creepy to him.

"Seth!" someone called suddenly. Leah walked into the clearing saying, "Geez, Seth, what's taking so─"

She stopped mid-stride and stared at Carlisle and Seth with gaping eyes. That's when Carlisle realized what this looked like. In one swift movement, he stood up and ran over to Leah. He stopped just inches away from her face and put his hands on his hips with a grin on his face.

"Hey, there, Leah!" he said buoyantly. "How are _you_ today?"

"Um…" Leah shifted uncomfortably. "I'm doing okay… Any reason why you're naked?"

Carlisle pretended to stretch and laughed out loud. "I just wanted to feel the breeze, ya know? I wanted to feel free. But when I was running, I accidently ran into your brother."

"Oh," Leah said with a smirk playing along her lips. "Is that what happened?

"Yep."

"Huh. So, who else are you gonna try and _tackle_?" Leah giggled.

"Well, where's the rest of the pack?" Carlisle said bravely.

Leah thumbed behind her and grinned. "Just back there. Go ahead and say hi to them too. Sam's over there too. Are you _sure_ you wanna go?"

_NO. _"Of course!" Carlisle lied through his teeth. With that, he followed Leah to the rest of the pack, leaving a very confused Seth in the middle of the clearing.

* * *

Esme perched on the foot of her bed and took a deep puff out of her cigarette. No sooner did the smoke enter her lungs did she double over and start coughing violently.

"Ugh! I hate this!" she whined. _I wonder if Carlisle's ever gonna kiss me again…_

_

* * *

_Emmett walked into the diner with a banana in hand. He's already been to three other places, and there were always at least five or so people who would react. He felt like they were butt-raping him with their eyes.

_Let's just get this over with and move on to the next destination…_

Emmett sat down at a table and unpeeled the banana. A waiter, a blonde man who had a very masculine physique, came up to the table and smiled genuinely.

"May I help you, Mr. Cullen?" he asked politely.

_Does everyone in this town know us?_ Emmet shook his head mentally and smiled up at the waiter. "Do you guys have any whipped cream?"

The waiter tilted his head in confusion. "Whipped… cream? Yes we do, but… may ask why, sir?"

"Well," Emmett said while taking off the rest of the banana peel, "it would really be nice to eat this banana. But it always tastes best to me with whipped cream on top. I'll pay you, if you'd like. A _real_ generous tip, just for you." Emmett winked to add an effect.

The waiter grinned widely and nodded. "Right away, sir."

The waiter left to retrieve the whipped cream, while Emmett sat there staring at the banana. He wanted to throw it out the window in disgust, but that would draw attention. Emmett hated bananas, and Bella knew that. Oh, how badly did he want to kill her─

"Here you go, sir." the waiter said, interrupting his reverie. The blonde waiter handed Emmett a can of whipped cream with a smile on his face. Emmett could tell he was enjoying himself.

Emmett took the whipped cream can and spread whipped cream in a swirl all over the banana. When he was done, he took his free hand a fished out a $50 bill out of his pocket. He handed the bill to a now shocked waiter.

"Thank you." Emmett whispered with a grin. The waiter walked away with a dazed expression as Emmett took in the banana. He sighed once, and grimaced to himself as he felt a number of eyes on him.

Emmett brought the banana to his mouth and licked the side of it very slowly. He closed his eyes and pretended to bask in its taste, when in reality, it tasted horrible. When his tongue reached the top, he curled the tip of his tongue and brought his tongue back into his mouth with a smile on.

He looked up briefly and fought the urge to scream as he realized that _everyone_ in the diner was staring at him with different expressions. It ranged from curiosity to disgust, and from amusement to sexual desire.

_Just eat the damn banana,_ Emmett screamed at himself. But he knew he couldn't do it quickly. Emmett didn't want to give up on any challenge; that just wasn't the guy he was. So he turned the banana a little bit and continued licking the sides slowly, making sure his face was twisted up like he was having an orgasm.

* * *

Rosalie sat in the dark room with her arms crossed over her chest. Across the room from her was a clown, lit up by one of the two only lights in the room. The lights lit up Rosalie and the clown only, nothing else.

The clown grinned widely, stretching his painted red cheeks, making chills run up Rosalie's spine. You see, Rosalie has an _**epic**_ fear of clowns, simply because she had a bad experience with them when she was young. _Ugh_, Rosalie shivered at the memory.

The clown continued to smile at Rosalie for a long time, making her antsy. Finally, she snapped. "Would you _please_ stop staring at me as if you're gonna eat me?"

The clown snickered and shook his head. Then, in a voice so high-pitched that it shouldn't belong to any man, let alone a human, he said, "I was paid generously to stay in here and give you the creeps. That pretty brunette in there sure is a sweetie pie."

Then, he whispered, "You're not that bad looking, yourself, sugar."

Rosalie bit her lip and tried not to scream. _Just a little longer. Show her who's boss._ "I'm not your sugar," she whispered calmly. "I'm married."

The clown let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, that stinks. Oh well."

"Oh… well…?" Rosalie squeaked.

"Yeah, baby. _Oh well_." The clown got up slowly and made his way across the room. Rosalie squealed once before pushing herself out of the chair and onto the floor. She backed into the wall shaking and let out a small, defenseless growl. The clown just laughed.

"That was cute. I have a few tricks myself." He took his hand and squeezed his makeshift rubber nose, extracting a loud squeak from the blood red ball. The sound made Rosalie shiver involuntarily.

"Get away!" she begged. But the clown just laughed again.

"No way. Us clowns are lonely today, sweetie." His grin became feral and evil in Rosalie's eyes, and she grew so scared that she literally saw red.

The clown drew closer, making Rosalie yelp, "No!"

The clown's face was inches from hers as he whispered, "Beg, little lady, beg while you can. We're about to have some _fun_!"

"_NO!!!_"

* * *

Jasper ran down the street, or walking in his case, humming the tune to The Circle Of Life. Then, after a big breath of air, he bellowed:

"_From the day we arrive on the planet._

_And blinking, step into the sun._

_There's more to see than can ever be seen._

_Or to do than can ever be done._

_There's far too much to be taken in._

_Or to find than can ever be found._

_The sun rolling high_

_through the sapphire sky…_"

Then, Jasper jumped onto a fire hydrant, making sure not to put too much pressure into it. Even though there was a five year old staring up at him as if he were crazy, he sang:

"_It's the circle of life!_

_And it moves us all-"_

_

* * *

_Alice sat on the couch with Bella with a Big Mac in hand. She took another bite and gagged. Beside her, Bella shook her head and snickered. "Alice, you have to eat it."

"But─" Alice began to whine. But Bella put up her hand and stopped her.

"Nah uh, no complaining." Bella smirked. "Eat that Big Mac, or else I'll make you go back and get a large order of fries."

Alice grumbled under her breath and took another painful bite. _Hey_, Alice thought wistfully, _at least Edward's going through hell on earth. Hehe_.

* * *

Reneesme bit into the uncooked eggplant on her plate and cringed at the sour taste. She felt like her taste buds were stabbing her tongue. But she suffered through it, knowing that it'd be over soon. She got up from the table and grabbed the untouched carrot. The carrot was easier to eat, but it was still gross.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Reneesme took the carrot with her as she answered the door. However, she was glad she swallowed the orange chunk by the time she answered the door, because if she didn't, she would have choked from shock.

There, standing on the doorstep, was a _very_ pissed off Sam and a very confused Jacob.

"Hi," Reneesme said innocently. Sam glared down at her, making her shrink back.

"Don't you _dare_ act innocent," he snarled. "What the hell is going on around here?!"

Reneesme just shrugged and took another bite of the carrot. That's when Jacob noticed. "Um," he said, "why are you eating _carrots_?"

Reneesme swallowed the painful bite and tried to smile. "Because it's yummy…"

"You're so full of it," Jacob grinned. "Is Bella punishing you?"

"Sorta." Reneesme admitted.

"Enough!" Sam bellowed. "Explain to me why your _grandfather_ ran up to me naked and _tackled_ me!"

"And why was your dad walking around the town in short shorts so criminal, he should be put on death row? And why was he swapping spit with some guy he met up with?"

Sam faltered and stared at Jacob with wide eyes. "You never mentioned that part─"

A loud scream erupted from the house, making all three of them jump. Suddenly, Rosalie jumped over Reneesme and pushed Jacob and Sam out of the way. Reneesme stepped out of the way as a tall, creepy clown ran after her with a big smile on his face.

"Leave me ALONE!!!" Rosalie cried as she rushed into the forest.

"COME ON, BABY, LET ME SHOW YOU A FEW MORE TRICKS! HAHAHA!!!!" The clown chased her into the forest, leaving Sam, Jacob, and Reneesme gaping after them.

* * *

"_Through despair and hope._

_Through faith and love!_

_Till we find our place,_

_our path unwinding._

_It's the circle,_

_the circle of life!!!"_

Jasper continued to run down the street, dancing with the cheering and singing people of Forks. Who knew you could make a musical in the middle of the street?


	11. Jasper's List

**~Sorry about the delay folks. Working on finishing up War Beyond Words, and it's getting hard. So anyways… Here ya go!**

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Jasper's List

Jasper danced into the living room, humming the Circle of Life to himself as he sat down on the couch. Just as he sat down, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle, and Edward walked into the room with frowns on their faces. "What's up with you guys?"

Carlisle leaned against the wall and sighed heavily. "I'm just happy to be wearing clothes! Sam punched me in the balls, and it hurt like a motherfucker."

"Hey, at least you still have _some_ dignity," Edward whimpered as he sat next to Jasper. "People probably think I'm turning gay!"

"I wouldn't be surprised." Rosalie snickered under her breath.

"I wouldn't be talking if I were you," Edward countered, "since you were molested by a clown. Some vampire you are."

"Can you two stop bickering?" Emmett snapped. "I don't feel good right now, so I don't want to hear any of your voices. I think I have banana poisoning…"

"Is that even possible?" Edward laughed.

Esme, Bella, Alice, and Reneesme walked down the stairs, none of them excited about Jasper's challenge.

"Great! Everyone's here!" Jasper grinned, getting up. "Who wants to go first?"

"Can I go to the bathroom first?" Emmett moaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Just suck it up so we can get this over with." Alice snapped. "There's a horde of cheeseburgers in my stomach and they're not happy."

"Just tell us what we have to do, Jazz," Carlisle said flatly."

"Okay! Carlisle, you have to eat nothing but rodents for a day!"

"Aw, c'mon!" Carlisle wailed. "_Rodents?!_ Are you _serious?!_"

"Alice," Jasper snickered, pretending not to hear Carlisle, "you have to shop at the local swap-meet."

Alice glared at him before muttering, "Tomorrow, expect to see divorce papers in your bed."

"Oh, that's not _that_ bad, Alice." Esme giggled. "Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?"

"Esme," Alice wailed, "_the swap-meet?! _You cannot be serious!"

"Keep going Jasper." Esme giggled again.

"Okay," Jasper smiled, "mom, you have to flirt and come on to Carlisle's interns─"

"I swear to God, Jasper, I'm gonna kill you." Carlisle growled.

Emmett fell to the ground laughing, totally forgetting about his stomach ache. This caught Jasper's attention. "I wouldn't be laughing, Emmett. You have to sing 'I'm a Barbie Girl' all day long while walking in the streets."

"Ha!" Edward laughed. "Make sure to get that falsetto going, Emmett!"

"Fuck you, you gay motherfucker." Emmett snapped.

"Edward," Jasper continued, "you have to flirt with Tanya in front of Bella…"

Edward froze and stared at Jasper. "Um…"

"You don't look too mad about that, Eddie," Emmett sneered. "Hopeful wishing?"

"Naw, I'm not planning on pulling anything your wife pulled, so I'm good." Edward retorted, causing Emmett to snarl at him.

"You really are hoping for a death wish, Jazz." Bella said calmly. "What do I have to do? Do I get to punch someone, because it's gonna be you."

"No, no. What you have to do," Jasper said carefully, "is to never say no throughout the whole day, no matter what."

"Uh oh." Rosalie murmured.

"Well, it's about time!" Alice screamed with glee.

Jasper continued, even though he could sense Bella burning holes in his head with her eyes. "Rose, you have to dress up and pretend to be a prostitute."

Carlisle and Edward fell to the ground laughing while Emmett and Rosalie glared at Jasper.

"I hate you, Jasper." Rose snapped.

"Carlisle should of never let you in the house. Dogs belong outside." Emmett said in a clipped tone.

"Reneesme," Jasper laughed out loud, no longer able to hold it in, "you have to ask Jacob about orgasms in front of his friends!"

"But I already had the talk!" Reneesme wailed.

"Well, you parents failed miserably, so…" Carlisle snickered.

"Listen here, gramps─" Edward growled.

"Call me gramps one more time, I dare you…" Carlisle challenged.

"This is gonna be fun!" Jasper laughed.

"I wonder what you'll say when I shove my size 11 up your ass…?" Emmett pondered aloud.

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**Next chapter is gonna be up… I think today (let's cross our fingers!). If not, then tomorrow morning!**


	12. Jasper's Chortle

**~OMG finally! Oh and today is "Kiss My Ass" day! It's a holiday my sister made up! Anyways, I hope you like this chapter, and please, **_**please, **_**make sure your mouths are clear of food and beverages while reading this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, but I have them by the balls, so I win either way ^^**

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Jasper's Chortle

Alice walked through the local swap-meet, hating Jasper more and more with each and every step. _I (step) fucking (step) hate (step) you (step)._ She knew Jasper could feel her emotions because he was right beside her, chortling under his breath. In the future, Alice couldn't see a way out of this.

"I hate you Jasper." she grumbled without looking at him.

"Oh, come on. This isn't _that_ bad!" Jasper picked up a nearby yellow purse and held it up so that Alice could see. "You don't think this is cute?"

"It is very cute, Jasper," Alice said in a clipped tone. "But it's bound to break as soon as I wear it!"

Alice felt strangely claustrophobic with all of the people walking around her. She kept seeing guys giving her flirty looks at the corner of her eye. All of the personnel looked like they were all ready to pounce on her when they had the chance. Everything smelled absolutely wrong. There were flies everywhere. And Jasper wanted her to _enjoy_ this? _Unforgivable_.

They kept walking until they found a section that had a selection of cheap, but cute graphic tees for women. Alice was about to walk away, but she stopped when she saw a blue tee with a cute white heart design on the front. There were black, sinewy thorns around the heart, trapping it tightly. She felt jasper smile behind her.

"Do you want to buy it?" he asked, obviously amused. "You know you want it…"

"Oh, be quiet!" Alice snapped with her eyes still on the graphic tee. "What if it shrinks in the washing machine…?

"Alice, you wore shorts that shrunk in the washing machine and you didn't have a problem with that."

Alice turned and looked at Jasper pointedly. "_You_ didn't have a problem with it either."

Jasper looked away with a grin on his face and scratched his head. "Well… those shorts did compliment your figure…"

Alice grinned before turning back to the tee. "Maybe I'll buy it… _just _to try it out…"

_I'm only doing this because I want to see Jasper's face when it shrinks_…

* * *

Carlisle sat on the floor of his room glaring at the rat in his hand. Jasper gathered up a crap load of rats and mice and brought it to Carlisle. Carlisle knew that if he didn't eat all of them, some of them will get loose. He shuddered at the thought.

He took the squealing rat and brought it to his mouth. He bit down on its neck, not exactly liking the strange noise it made. The taste wasn't exactly orgasmic either. It tasted… tainted. Like someone put something in there that isn't supposed to be there. Plus, it was barely warm… _Ugh…_

Carlisle put the rat corpse in the pile of dead rats beside him. _How many more of these do I have to eat?! _He looked at the buckets of screaming rats and groaned.

* * *

Esme walked down the hospital hallway, trying her best to ignore the woots and pants of the doctors and patients around her. Jasper made her wear a short skirt that barely covered her backside, and a tight v-neck shirt that didn't conceal much. She was happy when she finally made it to Carlisle's office, but her happiness ran short when she saw Carlisle's intern standing inside. His name was Peter Hemmington.

Esme shut the door behind her and cleared her throat. Peter jumped and turned around to see Esme staring at him flirtatiously. Esme could see how handsome he was. Although he had nothing on Carlisle, he was still worth looking at. _Don't go too far with this_, she chanted mentally. _Just flirt…_

"Um… Hi, Mrs. Cullen," he stammered adorably. "Uh, Dr. Cullen isn't in today…"

"Why are you in his office, then?" Esme asked softly, taking a consecutive step forward.

"Um…" Peter looked around nervously while taking a step back. "I-I w-was putting m-my r-r-report on his d-d-desk, and… um─"

"For a doctor, you sure do stutter a lot." Esme purred. "Why don't you _relax_?"

Peter gulped loudly, making Esme smile. _Okay, this is just too easy. I know this is wrong but… I've never felt more alive!_

"M-Mrs. Cullen… Why are y-you l-l-looking at me like t-that?" he stammered as he fell onto the small blue couch that was on the wall of Carlisle's office.

"Why, what ever do you mean?" Esme asked innocently. She walked towards Peter like a lioness towards her prey. Esme reached his shaking figure and bent down so that her mouth was to his ear. "You look a little tense, love." she purred.

Peter gasped at the feeling of her breath and tried to squirm away. "Mrs. Cullen─"

Esme leaned against him and used all her strength to hold him down. Her face was inches from his as she licked her lips. "Please, call me _Esmeralda_. I've heard a lot of stories about _you_, Peter. You've been _quite_ the naughty boy."

Peter's breath caught, making Esme's small smile go wide. "E-Esmeralda… Um… I'm… I'm gay, ma'am…"

For a brief moment, Esme paused. _Are you serious?! Out of all the people to come on to, I choose the gay guy?! Sigh… _

Esme recovered smoothly and laughed. "And? I've been known to… _excite_ just about anybody. However… you're little confession makes me wonder why you're _really_ in here."

"What do you mean?"

"Surely, you must have a thing for my husband, hm?" she cocked her eyebrow. Mentally, Esme danced with glee when she saw Peter's face go red. He bit his lip and tried to squirm again.

"I-I don't know w-what you're t-t-talking about!" he spluttered.

Esme reach down and grabbed his groin, making him gasp with pleasure. "You're lying to me, Peter. You like him, don't you?"

Peter paused before sighing in defeat. "Yes, ma'am…"

Esme started moving her thumb against him, making him arch his back and moan. "Do you want him to touch you like I'm touching you?"

"Y-Yes…"

Esme grinned before bending down and kissing his neck, sending shivers all over his body. "Are you ashamed of your feelings for him?"

"Y-Yes, ma'am…" he breathed against her hair.

She leaned up and kissed his earlobe. "I can make you forget about him… Or maybe… I could teach you the things that _really_ turn him on."

Esme felt him freeze in her arms and his heart pick up. "Would you… do that?" he asked quietly.

"Of _course_ I would… But you have to keep this a secret, hon, or else Carlisle will get very angry."

Peter remained silent for a moment before sighing again. "Teach me everything…"

Esme giggled before leaning up and kissing him on the lips. _Please forgive me, Carlisle…_

_

* * *

_Edward could feel Bella glaring at him while he waited at the door. He could feel her burning disapproval and hatred, and that scared the shit out of him. Tanya was already in town, to Edward's annoyance, and she accepted his offer to come over all too eagerly.

_God dammit_, Edward muttered mentally. _Bella's gonna kill me for sure…_

"You look a little tense, Eddie." Bella smirked. "Something on your mind?"

_Use her challenge against her!_ "Um… Hey Bells?"

"Hm?"

"Can you _not_ stare at me as if you want to kill me? In fact, can you go upstairs until she gets here?"

Edward flinched when he saw the pain in Bella's eyes. With a half-hearted nod, Bella trudged upstairs, not even bothering to look back at Edward. Edward turned back around and chewed on his fingernails.

_I'm dead. I am _so_ dead!_

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Edward could hear Tanya's wishful thinking (literally), and it was hard to tune it out. _Oh my gosh_, she thought on the other side of the door. _I wonder what he wants. And I hope his bitch of a wife is gone. God, I hate her…_

Edward opened the door and grinned at Tanya. "Hi!"

"Edward!" Tanya squealed. She immediately gave him a tight hug that lasted a little too long for Edward, but not long enough for Tanya. Edward weaved himself out of her arms and stepped aside so that she could come in.

After she came in, Edward shut the door slowly, wondering if he should make a run for it. He decided not to, but man, was it going to suck.

"Bella!" Edward called. _Dammit_, Tanya thought bitterly. _That slut is still here. That dog-loving son of a_

"Tanya!" Bella squealed from the stairs. "I'm so glad to see _you_!"

Tanya seemed to believe Bella's whole charade, even when Bella came down and gave her a hug. But Edward knew how fake Bella was acting.

Tanya pulled back and examined Bella amusedly. "Oh my, even for a mom, you still manage to look extra sleek for your… husband."

Bella grinned widely and eyed Edward pointedly. "Nobody's complaining, so I'm good!"

To anybody's eyes, it would seem as though they were actually being friends. But to Edward, and to everyone who knew them well, it was obvious that they were having a silent showdown.

_That stupid bitch_, Tanya thought. _I'm sure you don't even know what missionary is…_

Edward cleared his throat and eyed Tanya pointedly. She knew that he could read her thoughts. Why was she making it so difficult for him?

Tanya smiled a half-hearted apologetic smile before turning her attention back at Bella. "So, what have you Cullens been up to?"

"Nothing much," Edward said before Bella could respond. He took this time to get closer to Tanya. He hugged her from behind and rubbed his nose against her neck. "It's been really boring around here…"

"O-Oh…" Tanya shuddered at the physical contact.

"Perhaps we could make things more… _interesting_…?" Edward breathed into her ear, making her jerk.

_Why isn't Bella reacting to this,_ Tanya mused, _when it's clear that he's flirting with me? I wonder…_

Edward flinched at her sudden fantasies. _God, I thought we were past this… I'd might as well take this a step farther and hope that my marriage survives_…

"Hey Bella?" Edward asked carefully.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Bella said hesitantly.

"Is it possible that maybe I could… _explore_ Tanya for a bit? You could stay if you want…" _You dumbass! Why in the hell would you add that?! You know she can't say no! Fuck! Fuck!_

"Sure! Do whatever you want." Bella smiled before sitting on a nearby chair.

_Wait_, Tanya thought. _Am I missing something? Do I have permission to touch Edward…? OMG YES!!! HALLELUJAH!!!_

Edward couldn't help but smile at Tanya's thoughts. _Here goes nothing_. Then, with Bella watching him, he began to touch Tanya in places he never thought he'd touch her before.

* * *

Watching Edward and Tanya make out was, by far, the most disturbing things Bella has ever been through. Oh, she wanted so badly to get up and slap that stupid bitch in the face. She's never felt more pain in her entire life. Suddenly, she couldn't help but think of Jacob.

_I wonder what would happen if I touch Jacob in front of Edward…?_

_

* * *

_Emmett walked down the street, grinning to himself as he walked onto a crowded sidewalk. Even though his stomach still felt like mush, he was having a hell of a lot of fun. Who knew it would be fun to sing girly songs in public.

With all his might and in a high falsetto, he started to sing loudly:

_I'm a Barbie girl_

_in a Barbie world!_

_Life in plastic… It's fantastic!_

_You can brush my hair_

_undress me everywhere!_

_Imagination,_

_life is your creation!_

Then, switching to a deeper voice, he sang:

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_

Falsetto:

_Oh, oh, oh yeah!_

Deeper voice:

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_

Falsetto:

_Oo, oh, oo, oh!_

He knew he was having way too much fun wiggling his butt down the street while singing this, and he knew that he was losing some serious man-points, but he didn't care. It's fun being in a Barbie world!

* * *

Rosalie crossed her arms irately and tried her best to put on a smile. She was wearing a black lace bra, a really short jean skirt, and a revealing thong. She had on high heels that were so big, she felt like a basketball player. And the make-up on her hair was ridiculous!

_I'm going to kill that boy, I swear. I try my best to look sexy… but this is just wrong…_

Suddenly, a car pulled up with two men who looked like they were in their 60's. The driver leaned over to the passenger side window and winked at her. "Hey baby," he said in a deep, unbelievable voice, "how you doin'?"

Rosalie flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled at the men. "I'm doin' great. How about you? You boys lookin' for trouble?"

"Naw," the passenger said, "we just lookin' for a good piece of ass… You seem to fit the bill nicely, I might say. How about coming back to the hotel with us, sugar. We'll show you a good time. We'll do $500 an hour for each of us."

"That's pretty expensive, daddy." Rosalie purred. _Who in the hell do they think I am? I am worth way more than $500 an hour._ "But there's this young cat down the way who offered $2500 an hour, and he had four friends with him. Sorry."

The two men looked irritated before they drove away. _Serves them right, those perverts_

Suddenly, police sirens sounded behind her. She whipped around and groaned when she saw Charlie in his cruiser. He parked in front of her and got out of the car. It was nighttime now, so he had to fish his flashlight out of his pocket to see.

As soon as he turned on the light and flashed it at Rosalie, she could hear Charlie's heart stopping for two whole seconds before starting again. "R-R-Rosalie?! Rosalie _Hale_? Is that _you_?!"

Rosalie smiled sheepishly before waving awkwardly. "Hey, Officer Charlie… I didn't know you were working graveyard shifts nowadays…"

* * *

Reneesme sat at the dinner table at Olive Garden, wishing that she could be anywhere else but there. Everyone was there, including Rachel, Jacob's sister, and Claire, Quil's Imprint. Everyone was there, laughing and making conversation. Reneesme knew this was going to be a really long night.

"Hey, Nessie, what's wrong?' Jacob asked, clearly worried. "You look upset about something…"

Suddenly, everyone went quiet and looked at Reneesme, waiting for an answer. Nessie was sitting right across from Jacob, so she couldn't escape his gaze. Finally, she sighed. "Um… I don't think it's the right think for table conversation…"

"Oh please," Leah snorted, "I'm sure I've heard worse."

"Come on, Ness, you could tell us anything." Seth smiled.

"Now, now, if she doesn't want to say anything, then don't make her." Billy said while cutting his steak.

"That is total B.S., Bill." Quil muttered.

"Don't call me Bill." Billy snapped.

"Seriously, though, what's wrong?" Jacob asked, even more worried.

Nessie squirmed in her seat before looking up at Jacob innocently and blurting, "Jacob, what's an orgasm?!"

She asked it so loudly that everyone in the restaurant froze, midstride and everything, and stared at Nessie. It seemed as though her question bounced off the walls and into everybody's ears. Reneesme could see the mass of blood that went to Jacob's face. He looked away, clearly embarrassed before clearing his throat.

"Um… I'll… uh… tell you later." Jacob stammered.

"Go on," Embry urged sinfully. "Tell her what an orgasm is!"

"Will you be quiet?!" Sue snapped, looking pointedly at Claire. Claire just looked as curious as she could be. She leaned over and pulled on Quil's shirt.

"Quil, what's an orgasm?" she asked innocently.

"Oh, God dammit!" Quil cursed.

"Quil?" Claire asked again.

"Check, please!" Jacob called desperately.

"Jake?" Reneesme pouted innocently. "You're not gonna tell me…? But… I thought what we had was… _special_?" One of Nessie's many talents is to be able to cry on cue. And that is what she did.

Jacob looked from Billy to Nessie, clearly confused on what to do. "U-Um, please don't cry!"

"Just tell her so we could leave." Billy muttered as he popped a piece of steak in his mouth.

"Yeah, tell us!" Claire peered past Quil and grinned at Jacob.

Finally, Jacob sighed heavily. "An orgasm is… a rush of… um… _emotion_─"

"What kind of emotion?" Reneesme asked, pretending to be truly interested.

"Um… _pleasure_," Jacob said awkwardly, his face getting redder than Reneesme's ever seen. "It's a rush of pleasure you get when… something feels… _good_."

Quil sighed with relief and turned back to Claire. "See, that's all that is!"

"So when Embry gave you that massager thingy, and you made that sound, was _that_ an orgasm?" Claire asked.

Embry, Jared, and Sam bursted out laughing while everybody else bit their lip to hold in their giggles. Reneesme decided to have a little fun with this.

"Jacob? When grandma Esme gave you that massage and you made that weird noise, did you have an orgasm?"

"Whoa!" Seth grinned at Jacob. "Hold the phone! Jacob, is there something you'd like to tell us?"

"Go to hell, Seth." Jacob snapped. "Nothing happened!"

Reneesme decided to take it to the edge. "So those weird noises I heard from your room that night… Were you having a _series_ of orgasms? Isn't there a name for that?"

"Who were _you_ having fun with?" Kim giggled.

"N-No one!" Jacob stammered.

"He was having fun with his right hand." Billy laughed.

"Dad!"

"What does that mean, Quil?" Claire asked.

"Nothing─" Quil began.

"It's called masturbation, and you'll meet up with it when puberty hits." Leah murmured.

"Leah!" Quil growled.

"Jacob," Reneesme asked, "what's masturbation?"

"OH MY GOD!!!" Jacob wailed.

"Check please." Paul whispered to a passing waiter.

"Tell us, Uncle J!" Claire squealed. "Tell us! Tell us!"

"Tell us, Jake!" Reneesme squealed with her.

"Masturbation is when you touch yourself." Leah snickered. "And then you have a series of orgasms when you touch yourself. It's called the _climax_!"

"Leah, shut UP!" Quil snarled.

"Jake, you _masturbate?!_" Reneesme asked innocently. "Where?"

"Reneesme─" Jacob began.

"On his man-parts." Kim winked.

"Don't fuel the fire!" Jared laughed. He was clearly enjoying this.

"You mean your pee-pee?" Claire asked, making Paul, Kim, and Seth fall to the floor laughing.

"Jake, you touch your pee-pee?" Reneesme asked.

"No!"

"Liar!" Embry guffawed. "You fucking liar!"

"Why does it feel good to touch yourself, Jake?" Reneesme inquired.

"U-U-Umm…. I don't know! Jesus, why don't you ask your dad all these questions?!"

"Because he's terrible at explaining stuff."

"Maybe he has no idea what sex really is…" Brady murmured to Collin.

"What does sex mean?" Claire asked Quil while tugging on his shirt.

"OH MY GOD, EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!" Jacob and Quil screamed.


	13. Alice's List

**A/N – I don't know why it took me so freaking long to update this story! I'm really sorry!**

**Disclaimer – I don't any of these extremely sexually abused characters!**

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Alice's List

Alice walked into the living room hand-in-hand with Jasper. To Jasper's pleasure and Alice's chagrin, Alice was wearing the graphic T she bought from the swap-meet. Jasper conned her into wearing it, stating that if she didn't, they would never have sex again.

Sadly, when it comes to that argument, Alice just can't turn down the offer. Because Jasper will use his powers to make it _hell_ for her. So, it's best to just follow the boy's orders.

They sat on the couch, Jasper chuckling under his breath. "It looks nice on you, Alice. It really brings out your figure."

_He's just trying to make up for the blackmail. _"Thanks." Alice said sarcastically. Although, in the back of her mind, where the denial didn't reach, she really liked the shirt.

Apparently, Jasper sensed that part of her mind, because he said, "Oh, stop complaining. You know you really like it. I can feel it."

"You can feel what?" Emmett said, sauntering into the room with Rosalie on his tail. Emmett stopped in front of the couch and grinned down at Alice. "Oh. My. God. That's from the swap-meet, isn't it? Oh dear God, the world is coming to an end! Alice is wearing something cheap!"

Alice jumped up and socked Emmett in the stomach, making him double over while he was laughing. Beside him, Rosalie snickered. "I'll alert the police."

"I bet you will." Alice smirked at Rosalie. "I'm sure they know you well now that you've been arrested. Who busted you out?"

"Rosalie was _arrested_?" Jasper laughed. "Who caught you? Charlie?"

"Um…" Rosalie looked away, her lips pursing.

"Charlie actually did catch her," Alice giggled. "I saw it in a vision while I was in the dressing room."

"They have dressing rooms at the swap-meet?" Emmett pondered aloud. "Since when?"

"Since Alice gave the manager hell." Jasper muttered. "It was _horrible_."

"What was horrible?" Bella asked, walking down the stairs with Edward and Carlisle. Alice turned and nearly doubled over with laughter along with Emmett. Bella looked absolutely pissed. Edward looked scared out of his mind. And Carlisle… Carlisle looked wasted.

"Carlisle, you okay?" Rosalie asked, clearly worried.

"I'm fine," he slurred. That's when Alice noticed that he couldn't walk in a straight line. His eyes were glossed over and his lips were somewhere trapped between a smile and a grimace.

"He's drunk," Edward answered Alice's thoughts. "Jasper accidently caught dozens of drunken rats. Carlisle drank them and then… well, you see the way he's stumbling around."

"Who said it was an accident?" Jasper snickered.

"Don't makeme punchyou!" Carlisle slurred angrily before leaning against the back of the couch and laughing.

"He's fucked up." Emmett noted loudly, on the brink of laughter again. "Who knew?"

Esme and Reneesme walked through the door, each of them holding different expressions. Reneesme had a humongous grin on her face, while Esme looked terrified, if not guilty.

"Did we miss anything?" Reneesme asked cheerfully.

"Nope," Alice said, mirroring Reneesme's tone. "You just missed Carlisle stumbling down the stairs. He's drunk, just to let you know─"

"What?!" Esme screeched, horrified. Carlisle picked himself up and sat heavily next to Jasper. He peered up at Esme and grinned darkly.

"What'd you do wit my interns?" he slurred. "I can tell you did somethin'. You look… guilty! I pronounce you as guilty!"

"Are you sure someone didn't give him PCP?" Emmett stage-whispered.

"_Shutthe_ hell up." Carlisle snarled at Emmet before smiling again. "Let's have a _par_ty! WOO!"

"Alright," Alice clapped her hands together to interrupt Carlisle tangents. "Let's get this started!"

With that, Alice turned to Jasper and grinned so widely that Jasper shrank into the couch. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Jasper grumbled.

"Because," Alice cheered, "you have to _fly_ around the town dressed up like Peter Pan!"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me?!" Jasper exploded. "You're joking! You are fucking joking!"

"Language!" Rosalie snapped, looking pointedly at innocent little Reneesme.

"Fuck-ity fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Carlisle sang while leaning his head back. "Everybody _sing_ withme!"

"Carlisle!" Alice gasped. "Keep it together, will you? Anyways, _Carlisle_, you have to get a manicure and a pedicure! And it had to be a _loud_ color, okay?"

"Okay!" Carlisle sang, just as cheerful.

"I swear if he weren't drunk, he'd kill you." Edward chuckled.

"Oh! Edward?" Alice laughed wildly.

"What?" Edward mumbled hesitantly.

"Come here." Alice whispered. Edward walked slowly over to Alice and leaned in. Alice grabbed his shirt and brought her lips up to his ear.

"Can you _not_ molest my ear, please?" he muttered.

"Shut up," Alice said curtly before grinning. She bent in real close and whispered, "You have to kiss Carlisle. But you can't tell him, okay?"

Edward leaned quickly away from Alice and gawked at her, his face taking on an impossible red. "OH MY GOD! Alice, what is WRONG with you?!?!"

"Wait, what?" Bella stammered, clearly frustrated.

"What's his challenge?" Emmett demanded.

"You'll find out." Alice winked before turning to Esme. "Mom?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"You have to break your favorite!"

"That's not that bad." Emmett grumbled.

"Yeah─" Rosalie was saying before Esme fell to her knees dramatically.

"NOOO!!!!!!!" Esme bellowed. "Don't make me do it! _PLEASE!_"

"Wow." Bella stared.

"STOP YELLING!" Carlisle growled before cracking up laughing.

"I think one of those rats were on some serious shit." Alice whispered. Then, she turned to Bella and smiled sweetly. "Bella?"

"Hm?"

"You have to go fishing with Carlisle _without screaming_."

It was silent in the room. Even Carlisle was silently staring at Alice in shock. And then, everyone started cracking up laughing, _except_ for Bella. Bella just stood there, glaring daggers at Alice.

"I cannot believe you're my sister!" she griped. "Do you honestly expect me to sit on a boat for _hours_ now that he thinks I like him?"

"Yep." Alice said simply.

"What's my challenge?" Emmett said gleefully. "I'm honestly curious as to what my evil little sister wants me to do."

"Emmett, you have to memorize all the lines in a 90210 episode."

"_Excuse_ me?" Emmett gaped. "Did I just hear you say what I _think_ you just said?"

"Ha!" Jasper laughed before falling to the floor.

"Rosalie," Alice giggled. "You have to wear Jacob's clothes for a day─"

"Aw hell no!" Rosalie growled. "I'll make my hair dirty. I'll bathe in mud. I'll dress up as a prostitute. I will do _anything_, except for wearing that dog's clothes!"

"Well," Edward said coolly, "you fucked him, so I don't see what the problem is."

"Can we stop saying 'fuck' in front of Reneesme?!" Esme yelled. "Sheesh!"

"_Whatthe_ fuck?" Carlisle muttered. "Didyou guys see that? There was an owl on the ceiling…"

"Those rats definitely had some drugs in them." Jasper sighed.

"Anyways!" Alice yelled over everyone else. She turned to Reneesme and smiled sweetly. "You ready?"

"Yeah!" Reneesme cheered adorably.

"You have to burn one of your precious dolls."

"What's with you and destroying people's belongings?" Rosalie snickered. "It's like a fetish to you."

"What's a 'fetish'?" Reneesme asked while tugging on Bella's button-up shirt.

"Look what you did!" Edward wailed. Emmett and Jasper continued to roll around on the floor laughing while Reneesme looked up at Bella expectantly.

"A fetish─" Carlisle began, but Alice stopped him.

"A fetish," Alice said, "is something you like very much."

"So…" Nessie thought for a moment before smiling. "I love werewolves. Werewolves are my fetish!"

"Oh my God." Bella put her face in her hands and hid the smile that was on her face. "This is such a weird family…"

"Banzai!" Carlisle yelled suddenly, karate chopping the air. Everyone stopped talking and laughing and stared at him. He smiled at us innocently and slurred, "I killed the owl!"


	14. Alice's Cackle

**A/N – I miss the days when I could update faster. *Sigh* I'm sorry about the strange delays. On a lighter note, I saw Nightmare on Elm Street, and I've never screamed so much in an hour than I did in that movie. Good times, good times…**

**Disclaimer: I don't any of these obviously abused characters**

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Alice's Cackle

Jasper ran down the street (or walked quickly), silently cursing the woman he loves. He was wearing tight, _tight_ green leggings with a Peter Pan top, a Peter Pan hat, and Peter Pan elf-looking shoes. He resisted the urge to bend down and pull the green material out of the crevice between his groin and his leg, knowing that it would look more awkward. Instead, he ran down the street, yelling, "I don't wanna grow up!"

He skidded to a halt in front of the police station, studiously ignoring the stares and giggles from the people around him. He jumped on the police cruiser beside him and bellowed, "Come out, come out! Let's play a game!"

_I swear to God_, he thought dangerously, _Alice is gonna get it!_

Much to his distaste, Charlie Swan was the first one to burst out of the police station. He had a gun in his hand, almost as if Jasper had a car bomb.

When he saw Jasper and what he was wearing, however, he dropped the gun and gaped. "What in the _hell_ are you doing?!" he gasped. "Get off of the car!"

"Why are grown-ups so pushy?" Jasper sneered immaturely. Then, in a sweeter tone, he asked, "Do you wanna fly to Neverland with me?"

Charlie picked up the gun and put it in the holder around his waist. "Now _why_ would I want to go to Neverland?"

"It's a place where you don't have to worry about incestrial relations with your daughter, Mr. Swan!" Jasper laughed. "It's a place where dreams come true!"

A few more officers, along with a whole crowd of pedestrians joined Charlie. However, at Jasper's comment, quite a few of them looked at Charlie with their eyes lit up with questions. Charlie felt their gazes and shivered. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Cullen. But if you don't get the hell off my cruiser, you're gonna regret it."

_Might as well have fun with this!_ "Huh," Jasper pondered loudly, "you sure are bossy. Maybe _that's_ why Bella's so into you! Why are adults so strange?"

Charlie's face went red in a matter of seconds. "G-Get off the damn car!"

"Charlie?" a familiar voice asked. Jasper turned and almost fell over with laughter when he saw Renee, staring at Charlie with disgust.

"R-Renee!" Charlie stammered.

"You know," Renee grumbled, "when you called me about Bella, I thought you were joking. She _really_ gave you a lap dance?"

And with that, the crowd went absolutely silent. _Oh. My. God. Bella is going to _kill_ me when she finds out about this!_

One of the officers turned reluctantly back to Jasper and grimaced. "Why don't you get off the car so that we can all move on with our lives? Come inside─"

"Never!" Jasper bellowed before pouncing off the car and running down the street. Despite the awkwardness in the air, Jasper couldn't help but start cracking up laughing.

* * *

Carlisle trudged into the nail salon, trying his honest best to not fall over. His head was heavy with hangover, and his eyes burned badly. He sat down and put his face in his hands. _I cannot believe I was drunk! God, what did I do? I bet I made a damn fool of myself_.

"Hello?" the brunette said from behind the counter. "My I help you?"

"Um," Carlisle murmured drowsily, "can I get a manicure and a pedicure?" Carlisle felt extremely stupid asking for something like this. The women around him stared at him with obvious curiosity.

"O-Okay…" the woman mumbled. With that, the woman took Carlisle and started doing his toes, while another woman, a pretty Asian woman with curly long hair, did his fingernails.

"So," the Asian said. "What brings you here?"

"I've decided that I need a little pampering, I guess." Carlisle said. _Could I sound anymore gay?_

"What color? Clear?" the woman doing his toes guessed. "Oh, and I'm Amber, by the way."

"Hey Amber…" Carlisle thought for a moment before picking the loudest color he's ever seen on anyone, anywhere. "Can I have hot pink?"

It was like the whole salon paused on cue, everyone gaping at Carlisle. Amber's eyes widened before a grin brightened up her face. She turned to the woman doing Carlisle's fingernails and giggled. "Sophie, I think we've _finally_ found a man with a little taste."

"It's about time." Sophie grinned also. She turned to Carlisle and leaned in. "Are you a man-lover?"

"No, no," Carlisle chuckled nervously. "I just like the color pink, that's all. Most men just don't have the balls to admit that out loud. Trust me, a lot of men like pink. Straight or gay."

"Oh goodie!" Amber squealed. She got up quickly and hurried into the back. When she came back, she was holding a tiny bottle of hot pink nail color that made Carlisle's stomach drop. _Esme is never gonna let me live this down_.

* * *

Esme stood in the kitchen, silently whimpering as she stared at the vase in her hands. She gripped it, silently bidding it farewell. She turned to Alice, whom was grinning at her from the doorway, and pouted. "This vase is from Greece, Alice. I love this vase like a baby─"

"I don't care," Alice said absolutely. "Break it."

Esme winced and turned back to her precious vase. She bent down and kissed it lightly before saying one last goodbye. With a whimper, she threw the vase to the ground. The beautiful vase broke into splinters with a loud _crash_ that made Esme fall to her knees with despair.

"No!" she cried out before curling on the ground with the broken pieces. Alice doubled over and cackled loudly.

"That's one vase," she laughed, "now you only have 34 more to go! Muwahahaha!"

* * *

Edward lied on Carlisle's bed, trying his best not to laugh at the sounds of torture from downstairs. He buried his face in the pillows, chuckling and snickering into the soft material. As he calmed down, he noticed Carlisle's scent wrapped around the blue pillow. He couldn't help but curl into the pillow, enjoying the scent. It made him feel like his father was right there, embracing him and telling him that everything was going to be alright. It was the kind of reassuring feeling that made Edward feel lightheaded with happiness.

And now he was going to have to kiss his own father.

At the thought, he sat up quickly and groaned loudly. _What the hell am I supposed to do?! He doesn't know my challenge. He's never going to look at me the same again!_

Almost as if God was laughing, Edward heard the front door open and Carlisle's tortured thoughts filtering through. _I can't believe I got hot pink,_ Carlisle was thinking.

Edward sat on the bed, silently cursing himself as he heard Carlisle trudging up the stairs slowly. When Carlisle finally walked into the room, he paused at Edward's presence. "Hey, Edward."

"Hi." Edward murmured shyly. "You okay?"

"Yeah…" he muttered, scratching his head. That's when Edward got a clear view of Carlisle's freshly manicured fingernails, clad with the most feminine pink Edward has ever seen. Despite knowing how tired Carlisle was, Edward just couldn't help but double over with laughter.

"What the hell, Carlisle?" he gasped between guffaws. "Alice said to get loud fingernails, not car-stopping fingernails!"

"Thanks for your concern," Carlisle grumbled sarcastically as he collapsed onto the bed. "It's nice to know you care _so_ much."

Edward stopped laughing and pulled himself onto the bed beside Carlisle. "I'm sorry… It's just… well…"

"Well…?"

Edward stared into Carlisle's butterscotch eyes, feeling that reassuring feeling again. He couldn't help but curl into Carlisle and rest his head on his chest. At first, Carlisle tensed. But after a few moments, Carlisle relaxed and wrapped his arms around Edward, cradling him. Edward sighed happily, smiling in spite of himself. They lied there, breathing slowly and dazing off, for a good hour. Finally, Alice's thoughts from downstairs broke Edward's peace.

_Do what I told you to do,_ she thought evilly.

Carlisle must have felt Edward tense, because he tightened his embrace and asked, "What's the matter?"

Edward pushed himself out of Carlisle's arms and sat up. Carlisle sat up too and looked at him with concern. "I'm sorry," Edward murmured. "I…"

"Is there something bothering you, Edward?"

When Edward didn't look at Carlisle, Carlisle took Edward's cheek into his palm and made him look at him. Edward's cheeks blazed under his palm. _This so wrong! Please don't make me do this!_

Edward bit his lip and looked up at Carlisle shyly. "Can I… tell you something?"

"You know you can tell me anything." Carlisle said softly.

Edward twirled his fingers nervously before blurting, "Can you close your eyes?"

Carlisle looked at him reluctantly before closing his eyes. Edward shuddered before leaning forward and pushing Carlisle back on the bed. His eyes were still closed, though Edward could tell he was quite curious about what was going on by the way his lips pursed.

Edward took Carlisle's face into his hands and bent down slowly. _Shit, shit, shit…_

Finally, Edward's lips held Carlisle's gently. Carlisle froze all over as Edward moved his lips against his. _What the hell,_ Carlisle thought. _What's going on? Why is he…?_

Edward was ready for Carlisle to push him off, but he didn't. Actually, much to Edward's surprise, Carlisle started kissing him back. There, on Carlisle's bed, they kissed each other, both of them surprised but neither one of them holding back. The moaned and groaned against each other, their hands combing each other's hair.

Suddenly, the door flew open, and four familiar gasps stopped everything. Edward pushed off of Carlisle and stared wide-eyed at Jacob, Esme, Seth, and Charlie. _When did Charlie get here?!_

Esme had her hands covering her mouth, while Jacob gaped open-mouthed at the scene before him. "U-U-U-Um," Jacob stuttered, "are we interrupting something?"

Carlisle smoothed out his hair before chuckling nervously. "Not really…"

Seth caught sight of Carlisle's nails and laughed. "Dude, what's with the manicure?"

"Holy mother of God!" Jacob doubled over and fell to the floor laughing to the point of tears.

"Ugh." Carlisle growled. He stood up and smoothed out his clothes. "I'm surrounded by immature people."

"Um, Carlisle?" Charlie asked suddenly.

Carlisle jerked up at the sound of his name and turned to Charlie. "What is it?"

"I actually came to talk to you about your son, Jasper, but… you look kinda busy, so maybe I'll come back later."

"W-Wait!" Carlisle stammered, but it was too late. Charlie was already out of the house and into his cruiser. _Damn, that guy can move fast_.

* * *

Bella sat on the small fishing boat, biting her lip in attempt to not scream. Charlie was sitting behind her, with his back to her, deep in thought about something.

When Bella called Charlie this morning about a fishing trip, she could hear the tension between them as excuses rolled off his tongue. _Oh, I'm busy. Oh, um, your mother showed up. Oh, your brother's causing trouble. Oh, I just went fishing yesterday, so…_

Finally, he consented. Though, Bella had a strong feeling that Renee made him go on the trip. Now, the two of them were stuck on a way-too-small boat in the dreary afternoon. Bella couldn't help but sigh heavily. "How in the hell do you do this without going crazy with boredom?"

"Try not to think about the boredom," Charlie grumbled. _Oh, now he has an attitude with me?_

Bella set down her fishing pole and turned around. Charlie turned around too, but reluctantly. "What?" he snapped.

"I don't know what your problem is, but I don't like your tone." Bella said in a clipped tone.

"I'm your _father_," Charlie growled, "I get to have _any_ tone I want. You're the one who needs to check herself."

"Well, _excuse_ me!" Bella whipped around and glared out at the sea. She wanted so badly to just do something to embarrass the living shit out of Charlie, but she couldn't think of anything. Unless…

_No, no, no! I'm not pretending to like him anymore! It's gross, it's wrong, and… well, it's gross!_ But then she thought of the look of embarrassment on his face when she made a move on him and snickered. Charlie must of heard her, because he sighed impatiently.

"Why are you here, anyways?"

His wording made Bella wince. "What, I can't bond with my father?"

"I thought you saw me as something else…?"

Bella's stomach dropped as another round of awkwardness filled the boat. "Well… um…"

Charlie sighed again. "What is _with_ you Cullens? First, you decide to hit on me. Then you start wearing slutty clothes. Rosalie starts dressing up as a prostitute. Jasper just ran around town today looking like the gayest version of Peter Pan ever. And then, to top it all off, I walk in on Edward and Carlisle making out as if there's no freaking tomorrow!"

"_What_?!" Bella turned around again and gaped at Charlie. "Edward and Carlisle were… wait… that's… are you sure?"

"I'm pretty damn sure," Charlie grumbled. "I feel like Forks has become Incest Central. Ugh."

"Well, you weren't exactly fighting back when I held you down, Charlie." she pointed out.

"You have the strength of hundred men! What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You moaned," Bella giggled.

Charlie's face went all shades of red and back as and glared at Bella. "You look like your mother, okay. Sheesh, I haven't had sex in forever─"

"Dad!" Bella gasped in disgust. "Jesus Christ, I don't want to _know_!"

Suddenly, Charlie grinned widely. Bella already knew what he was about to do. He was about to get some serious payback for what Bella did to him. "You wanna know how I impregnated your mom?"

"NO!"

"Well," Charlie mused anyways, "we were on the beach. It was the first clear night in ages, and there were stars _everywhere_. Anyways, your mom was wearing the sexiest bikini I have ever laid eyes on. It really punctuated that sexy ass of hers─"

"Please!" Bella begged. "I don't wanna _hear_ this! I don't need to know about mom's _ass_!"

"I laid her down, real gently," Charlie grinned, "and ripped that bikini off with my teeth. We made-out first, then I made my way down her body. The way she moaned was _amazing_!"

"Shut _up!_ Oh my God!" Bella covered her ears. It was no use, for her super hearing was far too advance to block out her father's words.

"When I made it down to her bushy─" Charlie hummed.

"_FINE_!" Bella bellowed. "I'm over you! I'm done with you! I'm done drooling over you! I'm _FINISHED_! Just SHUT THE _HELL_ UP AND TURN THIS BOAT _AROUND_!"

"That's more like it." Charlie snickered as he turned the boat around.

* * *

Emmett sat in the living room, trying his best to ignore the laughter from upstairs. Whatever the hell was going on must have been entertaining. But Emmett couldn't get up, for he was too busy watching _90210_.

He's been watching the same episode for 4 hours now, and it was wearing on his nerves. He memorized half the episode, now he's working on the other half. He didn't know the number of the episode, nor the name. What he did know was that it was the episode where Silver goes crazy and tries to kill herself.

He slouched lower into the couch and cursed. "I am never watching TV again. Motherfuckers…"

* * *

Rosalie walked down the street, whimpering slightly at the horrible smell that was illuminating from the clothes she was wearing. She was wearing Jacob's sweats, his plain white T, and his oversized tennis shoes. She felt downright retarded trudging down the street. And the smell! Oh my God, the smell was terrible.

For the millionth time, she sneezed. For the trillionth time, she tripped over the legs of his sweats. For the gazillionth time, she cussed loudly. "I hate you, Jacob Black."

* * *

Reneesme stared at the fireplace in tears. Her favorite doll, the first doll she's ever gotten, was burning in the fireplace. Nessie could almost hear the sounds of protet from the doll. "Farewell, Mr. Deeds…"

* * *

**Hey! It's about time I updated! Anywho, for those of you whom are curious, in the chapter before this (**_**Alice's List)**_** I accidently said that Bella had to go on the boat with **_**Carlisle**_** instead of **_**Charlie**_**. Sorry about that! Annoying typos are annoying!**


	15. Emmett's List

**A/N: Alright, ladies, I'm back in business! It's been a long time since I've updated, but no more! Updates are going to be faster now that summer's started! Hazah! **

**Disclaimer: Somewhere, in a distant universe, all of these characters are mine :D**

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Emmett's List

Emmett lied down on the living room couch and covered his face with a nearby pillow. The 90210 episode just wouldn't leave his head, and the words of each character kept invading his personal space. _I'm gonna kill you, Alice. If it's the last thing I do, I swear I'm going to take your life._

"Not if I don't take it first," Edward grumbled as he descended down the stairs and over to where Emmett was lying. "At least your dare wasn't embarrassing."

"What exactly _was_ your dare?" Emmett asked, sitting up. As Edward sat next to him, Emmett couldn't help but grin. "Come on, Eddie, what was your dare?"

"Don't call me that!" Edward snapped. He then looked away, his face slightly red. This only fueled Emmett's fire.

"It had _something_ to do with Carlisle, didn't it?"

Edward winced and bit his lip. "Um… I had to… I… um‒"

"Edward had to kiss Carlisle." Alice giggled as she entered the room with Esme on her tail. Emmett couldn't help but notice how sad Esme looked. In fact, she looked scarred. But as Alice's words sunk in, Emmett forgot about his mom expression.

"You… kissed… dad…?" Emmett choked. Edward looked reluctantly at Emmett and smiled sheepishly.

"Well‒"

"They ended up making out passionately on his bed," Alice snickered.

"You go to hell, Alice!"

"It's true," Esme whispered. "Those two were kissing like there was no tomorrow."

"_Mom_!"

"Edward?" a voice said from the doorway of the living room.

Edward and Emmett both looked up to see Bella, Jasper, Rosalie and Reneesme standing there with gawked expressions. It was silent in the living room for what felt like forever before Jasper finally fell to the floor laughing. Emmett couldn't help but join in.

"Does incest run in the family or something?" Rosalie murmured to herself.

Reneesme looked up at Bella and tugged on her cotton dress. "Mommy, what's incest?"

"Ha!" Emmett fell on the floor clutching his stomach. "This family would not be complete without Reneesme asking inappropriate questions!"

"Edward?" Bella asked sternly. "What the hell is going on? Are you… going gay on me?"

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Edward stood up in shock. "I am _not_ gay!"

"I don't know, Eddie," Esme giggled. "You and Carlisle looked _awfully_ comfortable."

"Papa's a flaming homosexual?" Reneesme tugged on Bella's dress again. That was just too much for Emmett. He couldn't stop laughing, even though he felt Edward's burning glare on his back.

"Alright, that's enough." A new voice ordered severely. Emmett stopped laughing at once and looked up to see Carlisle sitting where Emmett sat. Everyone stared at Carlisle, including Reneesme, in silent awe. Carlisle looked pissed.

"Carlisle… are you… okay?" Emmett whispered.

"Isn't it your turn to give the dares, Emmett?" Carlisle grumbled, ignoring the question.

"Oh yeah!" Emmett jumped up in excitement.

"Oh no," Edward muttered.

"Is everyone ready?" Emmett beamed.

"Just hang me now." Jasper mumbled under his breath.

"Aright," Emmett snickered, "but first, Jazz, you have to sit through a lesson about a woman's menstrual cycle!"

"Oh dear God, hang me first!" Jasper wailed. Beside him, Rosalie giggled.

"I hope you have fun, Jasper, because there is a lot to learn about the woman's vagina."

"Ugh," Jasper shook his head, "I'm probably going to never have sex again afterwards."

"Don't count on escaping me, Jasper," Alice grinned.

"Moving on! Alice," Emmett laughed, "you have to get on the floor with a color around your neck and pretend to be Jacob's pet."

"You have a sick mind, you know that?" Alice grimaced. "You pervert."

"You have to call him 'Master', too." Emmett added. Alice stopped grimacing and gawked at Emmett.

"You know how much I hate S&M, Emmett! Do you know degrading that feels to me?" she screeched. "You want me to tie myself to the wall, while I'm at it?"

"And all that other good stuff." Edward sneered.

"Shut the hell up!" Alice growled.

"Edward," Emmett continued, "you have to make an awkward conversation start between Renee, Charlie, and Phil."

"That bear should have ate you whole," Edward grumbled.

"Bella," Emmett could hardly contain his laughter, "you have to talk about nothing but your sex life, no matter who you're talking to!"

Bella's mouth drooped open at Emmett as Rosalie fell to her knees laughing. "You… you son of a… I _hate_ you!"

"You _love_ me!"

"What's _my_ dare, Uncle?" Reneesme asked excitedly.

"Oh, _your_ dare is that you have to pretend you hate Jacob for a _whole_ day!"

Reneesme's smile disappeared as quickly as it came as she reveled in what Emmett said. "But… I thought you loved me…?"

"Not today, sugar-plum!" Emmett grinned. "Rosalie, you have to kiss as many frogs as you can."

"EW! Emmett, that's _DISGUSTING!_" Rosalie screamed. "What the hell?"

"Maybe that'll teach you to keep your mouth to yourself," Jasper muttered under his breath, but loud enough for Rosalie to hear.

"You mother‒" Rosalie began.

"What's my dare?" Esme asked quickly.

"Oh my God… Okay, mom?" Emmett shook with withheld laughter.

"… What…?" she said warily.

"You have to watch _The Notebook_ without crying."

"Sweet mother of God!" Carlisle fell of the couch cracking up laughing.

"Carlisle, you have to eat sushi non-stop for 3 hours." Carlisle stopped laughing immediately and glared at Emmett.

"You're grounded," he groused

"Not laughing anymore now are you, Mr. Hot Pink?" Esme sneered.

"Oh, be quiet." Carlisle grumbled.

"I can't _wait_!" Emmett squealed with joy.

"I can't wait to shove me foot where it hurts," Alice muttered.

* * *

_**Alice's dare was written off the bat because I forgot to write one for her when I wrote the list from Emmett. It sounds interesting to write and S&M segment on her Lol**_


	16. Update Note: Sorryyy!

**Hey, my fellow readers! I'm sorry about the lack of updates! I was trying to finish my other story so that I could focus in finishing this one and starting the sequel to **_**War Beyond Words**_** (I swear I told everyone I'd write the sequel in April… and it's August going on September… geez). Anywho, I'm sorry! I know a lot of you are waiting, and I am going to get on top of this story as soon as I finish writing this last chapter to **_**Razor Sharp Pages**_**! Actually, I'm already writing the next chapter to **_**Never Say Never**_**, but I'm kinda stuck. Give me a day or two, okay! And send me pm's and bother the hell out of me so that I can stay on track!**

**Thank you for waiting and I'm soooooooo sorry!**

**Love, browniehaze**

**PS.: I'm not sure how to make the whole "create an awkward conversation thing" go down. Any suggestions?**


	17. Emmett's Snigger

**A/N: It has been ages since I last updated! There is honestly no excuse except for the facts that I was lazy and that I was trying to concentrate on my **_**Razor Sharp Pages**_** story, and trying to think of how to start my sequel to **_**War Beyond Words**_**. I am way overdue with writing that story. Sigh… Well, time to catch up!**

**Disclaimer: None of these super awesome characters are mine**

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Emmett's Snigger

Rosalie stood at the edge of the pond, mentally flipping out and loudly cussing under her breath. There were tiny little frogs all over the place, some of them crawling on her feet, and she was about an inch close to screaming and running for the hills. What was stopping her?

Somehow, Emmett was able to convince Jared to watch Rosalie. If Rosalie were to run, Jared would run and snatch her.

Rosalie glared at the giant dog from the corner of her eyes. "Stupid dog," she muttered. With a heavy sigh, Rosalie bent down and picked up a slimy, green frog. Its big eyes stared her in the eyes, making her gag and turn away. She took another breath and looked at the tiny frog again. It croaked.

"_Ew!"_ she squealed before throwing the frog and shivering. From the corner of her eye, Jared grinned a big wolf grin and howled mockingly.

"Oh shut _up_!" Rosalie spat. She quickly picked up another frog and closed her eyes. _Prove to everyone that you're a strong woman. Prove it to everyone!_

She quickly brought her lips to the top of the frog and kissed the frog as fast as she could. Her eyes snapped open as realization dawned on her of what she just did and threw the frog with a girl squeal. She accidently licked her lips and was rewarded with a slimy, starchy paste that was stuck to her tongue. She gagged loudly, as Jared rolled over on his back and barked a loud, throaty laugh.

_I hate you, Emmett!_

_

* * *

_Carlisle glared at the 30 plates that had piled sushi on them and grimaced. It was already bad enough that he had to get a pedicure and manicure, _and_ he was caught kissing his own son! Now, he had to stuff his face for 3 hours. Fish and vampires _do not_ mix.

Carlisle sighed. "Come on," he whispered to himself, "you already lost some serious man-points. Prove yourself!"

"Hey Carlisle!" a woman's voice said from the doorframe. Carlisle nearly jumped out of his skin, but he hid his surprise under a smile as he turned and looked at Renee and Phil.

"Hey, you two! It's been ages!"

"Well, time has nothing on you, Carlisle," Renee giggled as she observed him. "I swear it's like you don't even age!"

"Heh, funny you say that…" Carlisle looked away and swallowed the hysterical laughter that was bubbling in his throat. "So what brings you here?"

"Oh, you didn't know? Edward called us here so we could have a reunion with Bella!" Renee laughed again. "Though I was already in town…"

"How come?" Carlisle already knew the answer, but he wanted to humor himself.

"Well…" Renee shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Charlie called me saying some disturbing stuff about Bella…"

"What's with the sushi?" Phil asked suddenly, switching the subject.

I groaned internally. "Oh, it's for…"

"It's for a party later," Edward said, walking into the room with Bella wrapped in his arms. He smiled at Carlisle genuinely, though Carlisle knew it killed him to be in the same room as him. To distract himself, Carlisle focused on Bella, whom looked awfully uncomfortable.

As Charlie entered the room, Carlisle began to understand why.

Charlie looked at Bella and grimaced before eyeing Phil's arm around Renee's waist. _At least you get the interesting dare_, Carlisle mentally said to Edward.

As Edward led everyone into the other room, Carlisle looked back at the plates of sushi. _Fuck my life!_

He grabbed three sushi rolls and stuffed it in his mouth. The taste was atrocious! One of the rolls had salmon, one had tuna, and the last one had canned crab! Carlisle had to fight to not spit it out.

_It's either this or Wal-mart_, Carlisle chanted mentally as he stuffed more sushi into his mouth.

* * *

Esme bit her lip wildly as she stared at the laptop screen. _The Notebook_ was playing, and she was at the part where they're on the Ferris-wheel. It's not even a sad part, but Esme knew the whole movie by heart, so she knew what was going to happen at the end of the movie.

A sob rose in her throat, and she bit that down too. _Why me?_

_

* * *

_Edward nearly exploded with laughter as he sat in between Bella and Charlie on the big couch in the living room. Phil and Renee sat on chairs from the kitchen, while Emmett sat on the floor while thinking of some things Edward could ask.

"It's been so long, Bella…" Renee murmured.

"Yeah…" Bella shivered before peeking at Emmett. He gave her a look that said, _if you don't do the dare, it's your ass_. Bella looked back at her mother and said something so astonishing that it even surprised Emmett: "You know how it feels to be a newlywed; sex every night and such. It keeps me distracted."

It was so quiet in the room that Edward swore he could hear Rosalie gagging as she kissed frogs. Finally he cleared his throat and decided to play along. "Yeah, that's how it is! Sex on the regular, right? You would know, wouldn't you, Renee? You've been married twice."

Renee twirled her fingers uncomfortably and stared at the ground blushing. "I guess so…"

"Hey, who do you think is better at sex: Phil or Charlie?" Edward smiled.

"Hey!" Charlie gasped. "That is so inappropriate!"

"Are you saying that because you think Phil is better than you?" Edward snickered.

"Well… uh…" Charlie looked away, his face turning a bright red. "Not really…"

"What, you think you're better than Phil?"

"Um…" he looked at Edward and smiled a little. "Possibly…" _What the hell is up with Cullen_, Charlie wondered. _Why does he have his nose in my business? Of course I'm better than Phil!_

_I bet Charlie hurts his back with every thrust_, Phil snickered mentally.

_Kill me now_, Renee moaned. _Please, God, kill me now_.

"It's okay to talk about sex, mom," Bella soothed. "I'm fine with it. After all, making love _is_ a magical thing."

"Well… I… um… don't want to talk about!" Renee snapped. _Why would I want to talk about it? Of course Charlie's better. He even used handcuffs once. Good times, good times…_

"Hey, Charlie?" Edward asked, trying his honest best not to crack up laughing. "Have you ever used handcuffs on Renee?"

Charlie's face went from red to purple. "W-W-Why?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Edward once used handcuffs on me," Bella mused. "Good times, good times..."

"Police handcuffs or the fuzzy ones?" Renee asked, suddenly curious.

"Police handcuffs, of course!" Bella laughed. "Police handcuffs are _so_ much better, and they last longer."

"They also make you feel like a bad girl," Renee added with a giggle.

"Um," Phil murmured, extremely uncomfortable. "I never used handcuffs on you Renee… how would you know how it feels to be handcuffed?"

Renee bit her lip and stared at the ground again. "You weren't the first person I've ever had sex with…"

"I never knew you liked being handcuffed…" Phil looked disappointed. _If I would of known_, he murmured mentally.

"Well, Renee _is_ a wild cat," Charlie snickered.

"So _that's_ where I get it from!" Bella grinned. She turned to Edward and grinned wider, though he knew she was mentally begging him to end the conversation so that she could go die in a corner somewhere. "I knew I got my wildness from somebody!"

"So how are you doing?" Renee asked Emmett, trying desperately to change the subject.

"I'm good," he laughed. _Ask Charlie about his relationship with Sue_, Emmett prodded.

"Hey Charlie, how's Sue going?" Edward asked.

"Sue?" Renee wondered loudly.

"Who's Sue?" Phil grinned.

"Um… she's… fine, I guess." Charlie mumbled.

"Are you planning on marrying her?"

"Marrying her?" Renee looked astonished. "Sue _Clearwater_?"

"Y-Yeah… what's the problem?"

"Yeah, Renee," Edward smiled. "You can't expect Charlie to be in love with you _forever_, do you?"

Rene flinched and looked away, trying to hide the look of shock on her face. "So… are you planning on marrying her?"

"M-M-Maybe…" Charlie stammered. "Why are you concerned about that?"

"She misses having you in bed," Emmett muttered.

"N-N-No I don't!" Renee snapped.

"So…. you _do_ think Phil's better in bed?" Emmett asked.

"NO!"

"So Charlie's better?"

"Oh. My. God," Renee growled, "Emmett, if you ask me one more thing about my sex life, I'm going to kick your ass."

"Mom!" Bella looked baffled. "That's not nice!"

"He won't stop!"

"Sex is nothing to be ashamed of," Bella continued as if Renee hadn't spoken. "If you think dad is better, then by all means, just _say_ it."

"You're one to talk," Phil muttered, "Seeing that you sexually harassed your own dad."

Edward could practically feel how disturbed Bella felt right then. He wanted to just reach over and stroke her hand, but he knew that would only make matters worse. Edward also knew that he could use that fact to make the room even more awkward.

Bella wanted to die. Plain and simple. _I cannot believe that Phil just said that!_

Edward cleared his throat and smiled. "Yeah, I was kind of shocked too when I heard that Bella preferred Charlie over me."

_That slimy bastard!_ "Yeah, but it was just a phase. I'm over it now."

"Can I ask you something, Charlie?" Edward asked.

"Y-Yeah…"

"Why did you let Bella touch you? I'm quite incensed by that."

Bella couldn't help but glare at Edward. "That's quite a question there, _sweetheart_."

"Why did you make out with Carlisle?" Charlie retorted.

Edward remained silent while Bella started cracking up laughing. Renee just stared at the floor, her face changing from red to purple, while Phil stared at Edward in shock.

* * *

When Carlisle heard Charlie's question, he started to choke on a salmon roll. _Son of a__‒_

_

* * *

_Jasper hunched down in the chair and was tempted to cover his ears. He was in the middle of a menstrual cycle lesson, and he was on his way to giving up lady parts all together. _This is just wrong!_

"Do you have any questions on the woman's ovary, Mr. Cullen?" his teacher, Ms. Redman, asked. However, Jasper could feel the wave of humor that the teacher was giving off. She was enjoying his suffering.

"No, ma'am." Jasper mumbled.

"Good." she turned back to the large picture of a woman's insides and began discussing why women bleed.

_I will kick your ass!_

_

* * *

_Alice crawled on the living room floor of Jacob's house, feeling more out of place than a yellow vase in an all black room. She thought she was going to explode with tension, simply because the _whole_ pack was there, and everyone was staring at her.

And the stench!

"Alice…" Jacob murmured from the doorframe leading to the kitchen, "is there a reason why you're crawling on my floor?"

"I'm your pet!" Alice blurted out.

"Excuse me?"

"Woof!"

Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose while Embry and a couple other pack members started cracking up laughing

"Is that a problem?" _I don't wanna do this in front of his pack! I'm losing every ounce of my dignity._ Yet, Alice could see an invisible Emmett, sitting right next to her and laughing his ass off.

"Yeah…" Jacob sighed. "Alice, I love you and all, but this is just ridiculous."

Alice crawled on her hands and knees over to where Jacob was standing and sat up on her heels. She put her hands up to her chest and "pawed" at Jacob's jeans. "But, Master‒"

"WHOA!" Jacob recoiled, red-faced. "I am _not_ your master! And what's with the collar around your neck?"

"Woof!"

Right then, Leah walked into Jacob's house, in the middle of a sentence, when she spotted Alice on the floor. "What in the hell is going on here?"

"Alice is Jacob's pet," Sam snickered.

"This is just too funny," Quil added. "Hey Jacob, make her roll over!"

"Um…" Jacob looked away, scratching his head. "Alice, _roll over_."

_I'm going to kill you_, Alice seethed. However, with a cute smile plastered to her face, she rolled over and sat back up and barked again.

"Wow, what else does she do?" Embry wondered.

"Um… lay down!" Jacob ordered.

Alice laid down on her back and looked up at Jacob with a crooked smile on her face, all while remembering the layout of his house so that she can sneak back tomorrow and making _him_ play dead.

"Speak!"

"Woof!" Alice barked.

"No, I mean _really_ speak."

"Oh," Alice giggled. "Hi, Master!"

"Master?" Leah gasped.

"Yeah," Quil said, "Jacob's into that S&M bestiality shit nowadays‒"

"SHUT UP!" Jacob snapped.

Alice took the time to crawl up to Jacob again and rub her cheek against his leg. She might as well embarrass the hell out of him. "Master, am I being a good girl?"

"W-W-W-What?" Jacob backed into his kitchen counter and covered his red face. "Why?"

"Because Alice wants to be good for her daddy," Alice purred.

"Oh sweet all mighty, kill me now," Jacob muttered as practically his whole pack fell to the floor laughing. However, that's when Claire walked in with Reneesme.

"A-A-Aunty Alice!" Reneesme gasped. "What _are_ you doing?"

"Wow, so is this what everyone meant at the dinner table when they kept saying that an orgasm is a rush of pleasure? Jacob looks like he's experience a lot of pleasure…"

"Oh my God, not this again!" Jacob wailed.

"Do you want me to give you an orgasm, Master?" Alice looked up at Jacob with innocent eyes.

"No!"

"Does that mean you don't like me…?" Alice began to cry (or pretend to cry) while laughing on the inside. _This is too much fun!_

Reneesme rushed to Alice's side and hugged her. "You're so mean, Jacob! All Aunty wants to do is please you, and you throw her off! What kind of man are you?"

"W-Wait! Let me explain myself," Jacob stammered.

"Uncle J," Claire shook her head while putting a hand on Alice's shoulder. "You don't need to be so rude. Just because she wants to help you stop masturbating‒"

"HOLD THE PHONE!" Jacob yelled. "That is WAY too inappropriate, Claire!"

"And now you're yelling at Claire!" Reneesme snapped. "You really are a terrible person!"

"I just wanted to make you smile…" Alice whimpered. "Master…"

"Geez, Jake," Billy murmured, rolling into the room. "You didn't have to be so mean. You could have been more polite…"

"Who's side are you on?"

"It's okay," Reneesme me whispered to Alice. "Jacob's a butt, and he doesn't deserve a pet."

"Hey, can I have her?" Seth asked which earned a slap across the head from Leah.

"Someone throw me a freaking bone here!" Jacob sighed loudly.

"You don't deserve a bone!" Reneesme snapped. "I hate you!"

Alice just had to look up to see what Reneesme's words did to him. He looked devastated. "You don't mean that…"

"Yeah, I do!" Reneesme snapped before storming out of the house.

* * *

Reneesme sat on the back porch, practically close to tears. _I could never hate Jacob_… _But what in God's name was Aunty Alice doing?_

Esme shut the laptop and squealed in joy. _I did it! I watched the whole movie without crying! BOOYA!_


	18. Rosalie's List

**A/N: Time for some faster updates! I start school this Friday, so let's see how many updates I can do before then ;) **

**Disclaimer: For those of you who are mentally unstable, I need to let you know that I don't own these characters**

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* * *

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Rosalie's List

Rosalie trudged through the front door, pissed at Emmett, but somewhat relieved that she came home last night and brushed her teeth six times. She walked into the living room ready to slump down on the couch, only to be met by a nervous looking Edward and a very pissed off Bella already sitting on the couch.

"Hey," Rose muttered, taking the chair near the window.

"Hey," Bella muttered back. _Looks like she's not in a good mood either_, Rosalie thought. _What'd you do this time, Eddie?_

Edward threw a murderous glare her way before turning to Bella and smiling sheepishly. "At least that dare is over."

"Speaking of dares, sweetheart, what's with you and Carlisle?" Bella asked, not even missing a beat.

Edward flinched and looked away. "It was just a _dare_!"

"If it was just a dare," Esme said, walking into the living room with Emmett and Carlisle, "then you really went all out."

"Why can't we just forget that ever happened?" Carlisle asked, though he sounded funny. Rosalie observed Carlisle's look of sickness and giggled.

"You look like you just ate sushi for 3 hours."

"Oh ha, ha." Carlisle snapped.

"Looks like everyone's in a bad mood," Emmett noted aloud.

"Yeah, because some of us had to kiss frogs all day long," I mumbled.

"And some of us had to sit through embarrassing menstrual cycle lessons," Jasper added, walking in with Alice and Reneesme.

Rosalie couldn't help but notice how happy Alice and Esme looked. _Well that's about to change_.

Rosalie jumped out of her seat, succeeding in scaring the hell out of Bella, and grinned. "Who's ready for my dares?"

"I'm not," Carlisle grumbled.

"Yeah, can we skip a day," Bella whined. "I just found out that my dad used handcuffs on my mom when they were married."

"Well, that's how you were born," Emmett laughed. "_When a police officer loves a wildcat__‒_"

"Emmett, I will fucking kill you if you finish that sentence!" Bella growled.

"Language!" Esme gasped, eyeing Reneesme pointedly. Though Reneesme didn't look like she particularly cared. In fact, she looked awfully sad.

"You okay, Nessie?" Rose asked.

Reneesme looked up and smiled sadly. "I told Jacob that I hated him."

"Aw, poor Nessie."

"Yeah…"

"Just get on with the dares so that we can all feel sorry for ourselves sooner," Carlisle said.

"Says the man who grinded his own son‒"

"Emmett," Carlisle snarled, "I will hurt you worse than that grizzly bear if you say one more damn thing about that incident."

"I didn't know it was an incident‒" Emmett began.

"MOVING ON!" Edward said loudly before smiling at Rosalie. "Please continue."

"Okay," Rosalie giggled. "Edward, you have to do nothing but compliment Jacob for a day."

"Oh Jesus, no." Edward whined. "He's going to make fun of me for hours!"

"Edward, I had to crawl on the floor with a collar around my neck in front of his pack," Alice rolled her eyes. "I think you could survive complimenting him."

"Yes, but _enjoyed_ crawling on the floor for him," Edward countered.

"_Excuse_ me?" Jasper said, eyeing Alice.

"Keep going with the dares!" Alice said quickly, trying to evade Jasper's glance.

"Carlisle," Rosalie laughed, "you have to give me $10,000‒"

"The hell I will!" Carlisle laughed without humor. "You must be smoking that hardcore stuff, Rose, because if you think I'm giving you $10,000, you are heavily mistaken!"

"It's either that or Wal-mart," Rosalie said evilly.

Carlisle glared at Rosalie before looking away and growling. "Dammit."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Alice wailed. "I could be walking around with a new pair of shoes‒"

"Keep going, Rose," Carlisle said quickly, unconsciously putting his hand to the wallet in his pocket.

"Esme," Rosalie said, "you have to talk like a gansta for a day."

Emmett could barely contain his laughter while Edward fell to the floor holding his stomach, laughing his ass off. Esme puffed up and stuck her tongue out at Rosalie.

"Bring it _on!_" Esme chanted.

Rosalie couldn't help but start laughing. "Emmett, you have to go a day without laughing."

"NO!" Emmett fell to the floor dramatically. "Why, God? _WHY?"_

"There is absolutely no way that's gonna happen," Bella giggled.

"Emmett, I think that's gonna be your biggest challenge yet," Carlisle snickered. "Good luck with that!"

"Yeah thanks, dad," Emmett muttered. "You're _so_ kind."

"Bella," Rosalie said, practically on the floor trying not to laugh, "you have to hit on Leah."

"YES!" Edward howled, earning a sucker punch from Bella.

"Rosalie, did I ever tell you how much I hated you?" Bella asked sweetly.

"Jasper, you have to run down the street singing Lady Gaga songs," Rosalie chuckled.

"May I suggest _LoveGame_?" Alice cheered. "_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick; I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!_"

"Aw hell no!" Jasper yelled. "I _am not_ singing that!"

Reneesme tugged on Alice's shirt and cocked hr head to the side. "What's a disco stick?"

"A disco stick is a‒" Emmett began.

"No!" Edward snapped. "Don't tell her!"

"I'll tell you later," Emmett stage-whispered.

"Alice," Rosalie continued, "you have to pick up trash along the highway."

"Well it's about time she did something for our planet," Edward muttered.

"Shut up, Edward!" Alice yelled. "I do _a lot_ of things for this planet."

"Like wearing fur coats," Emmett chuckled.

"She also likes to drive gasoline-guzzling cars," Esme added.

"Do you even recycle?" Bella asked.

"_Alright_," Alice sighed, "I get it! Sheesh!"

"And last but not least," Rosalie grinned, "Reneesme, you have to let me do your hair‒"

"_NOOO!"_ Reneesme screeched before jumping into Bella's arms. "Mommy, don't let her do it! Please!"

"I'm sorry, but…" Bella sighed. "It has to be done."

"I'd rather be gift-wrapped to the Volturi!" Reneesme cried.

"Whoa, talk about a major diss," Jasper laughed.

"This is what you do to little girls," Carlisle shook his head. "You make them cry. Shame on you."

"Oh be quiet," Rosalie grumbled before grinning. "I'm _excited!_"

"God, where's Royce when you need him?" Edward muttered before being punched in the face by Rosalie.


	19. Rosalie's Hoot

**A/N: Man it's been absolutely FOREVER since I last updated! Geez! It probably won't be as funny, since I'm a little rusty from not writing for so long. But here ya go! I just could not let this story hang out to dry. Now as far as my Amid The White Flag, I think I might just delete that one and start over. Just a thought ^_^  
**

**Disclaimer: These delicious kittens are not mine**

* * *

Rosalie's Hoot

Emmett bit his lip wildly as he tried his best not to start cracking up laughing. He was watching _Scrubs_, one of his favorite TV shows, and he was damn near in tears.

Carlisle opened his wallet slowly, grinding his teeth harshly against each other. The credit card that he was about to take out had exactly $10,000 on it, and Rosalie was standing in front of him, hands ready to grab it. They were in the kitchen, and Carlisle was seriously considering making a run for it. If he ran fast enough, he could make it out of Rosalie's greedy hands $10,000 safer than if he stayed.

"You can't run from me, dad," Rosalie said smugly.

_Damn it_. "You sure you just don't want anything else?"

Rosalie smiled innocently. "Nope. Give me the money."

Carlisle cursed under his breath as he slowly pulled the credit card out. He felt as though his hands were burning. "Are you _sure_ you just don't wanna‒"

"NO, dad," Rosalie snapped. "Give me the credit card."

"But, you know‒"

Rosalie snatched the credit card out of Carlisle's hand before he could continue and quickly walked to the backdoor. "Thank you!"

Carlisle fell to his knees dramatically. _Why me? WHY?_

* * *

Esme walked into the kitchen, silently wishing that the day would just end. Apparently it was just beginning, because as soon as she walked into the kitchen, she saw Carlisle on his knees, staring at his wallet as if he lost something precious. She wanted to ask what the hell he was doing, but she knew that would mean talking like a gangster.

_Here goes nothing_, she sighed. "What's good, cuzz?"

Carlisle whipped his head from his wallet and gaped at her. "What the hell did you just call me?"

"Man, you heard me! I SAID, what's good, cuzz?"

A few seconds passed before Carlisle grinned. "Oh. My. God. Are you serious right now? _'Cuzz'_?"

_Ugh, shut up!_ "Man, I ain't ever been more serious than I am right now. The fuck is yo problem, man?" Esme felt as though she was speaking in tongues. Everything she said came out awkwardly.

Carlisle started cracking up laughing, and soon he was holding his stomach curled in a ball. "Where in the hell did you learn to talk like _that_? Are you gonna throw up gang signs too? Do you even _know_ what a gang sign looks like?" he choked out.

Esme crossed her arms, gripping her sides in hopes of stopping herself from knocking the mess out of her husband. _Rosalie is gonna get _hell_ when she gets home!_

* * *

Edward stood in the doorway of Jacob's house for the first time in a daze of pure disgust. When he opened the door, it was as though a gust of nothing but wet dog slapped him in the face. _They need some Febreze in here!_

Just when Edward was sure he was going to fall to the ground gasping for air he didn't really need, Jacob met him at the door with a puzzled look on his face. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to the greatest guy in the world," Edward managed to say with a smile on his face, though he was really dying on the inside.

Jacob was silent for a moment before cocking his head to the side. "Could you be more specific, dude?"

"I'm talking about _you_, of course!" Edward grinned, hitting Jacob's arm playfully. "I wanted to talk to you!" _God, kill me now._

"Uh… yeah sure…" Jacob murmured as he moved to let Edward into the house. _What in the hell is going on? Edward is acting so weird_, Jacob thought. _Oh God, he's not gonna crawl on the floor and call me "Master", is he?_

Edward couldn't help but ball his fists at Jacob's thoughts._ As if, you stupid mutt._ Edward sat on Jacob's couch, got comfortable, before turning and smiling innocently at Jacob as he stood on front of him. "So," Edward began cheerfully, "how's my favorite werewolf?"

"Um… great, I guess," Jacob looked away uncomfortably. _Okay, this shit isn't normal, _Jacob seethed mentally. _I swear these Cullens are getting weirder every day_.

_I couldn't agree more_, Edward sighed. "I wanted to talk to you about Reneesme. I just wanted to let you know that she really doesn't hate you."

Jacob looked relieved at that. Edward almost felt sorry for him. But then he remembered the awful stench illuminating from the couch and relived his hatred for the disgusting mutt in front of him. Still, he kept smiling. "I mean, how could she ever hate you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're so awesome, Jake. I don't even think you realize how amazing you are!"

Jacob recoiled as if he'd been slapped and wrinkled his nose. "God, please don't tell me you're hitting on me."

Edward fought a rising gag. "Of _course_ not, Jake! You deserve more than me. I mean _really_!"

_Who the fuck is sitting in front of me right now_, Jacob thought frantically. "Dude, so you're telling me… I deserve someone better than you… _why?_"

Right when Edward was about to talk, Seth walked in with Billy rolling in behind him. They both stopped short when they saw Edward sitting on the couch smiling.

Billy's train of thought: _Did I miss something?_

Seth's train of thought: _OH MY GOD, the world is ending! Is Edward Cullen sitting on Jacob's couch SMILING? I think Hell just froze over._

"Hey, is everything alright in here?" Billy asked, clearly expecting a fight to the death.

"Everything is perfectly fine," Edward grinned at Billy, catching him off guard. "I was just telling Jacob how awesome he was. Don't you agree?"

"Umm," Billy hesitated, throwing sideways glances at Jacob. "I guess so. I mean he's not _that_ awesome."

"Gee, thanks dad," Jacob muttered.

"You're welcome, son."

"Edward, are you alright?" Seth whispered. "You seem a little… _off_ today."

"Why would you say that?" _Oh my God, Seth, _please_ kill me right now_, Edward begged mentally.

"I don't know," Seth scratched his cheek. "Maybe because I've never seen you compliment Jacob."

"Well I've turned over a new leaf!" Edward said joyfully. "I was sitting at home when I just realized how amazing Jacob is. He's been through so much for my family. I think he deserves a few pats on the back!"

It was silent for a moment before Billy grinned. "Did you forget that Jacob was pining for your wife, and now he's Imprinted on your daughter?" _He's full of shit right now_, Billy snickered mentally. _Let's test his limits_.

Edward fought to not fly across the room and slap Billy. "Nope, I haven't forgotten."

This time, Seth was the one who grinned. "So… if Jacob decided to, oh I don't know, _marry_ Nessie… you'd be okay with that?"

_The fuck I will_, Edward seethed. "Of course I'd be okay with it."

"What about having sex with Nessie?"

"Seth!" Jacob snapped. "What the hell, man?"

"What, you know you want to."

"She's like 3 years old!"

"I thought age was just a number?" Billy asked innocently before turning back to Edward. "Edward you can agree with this, can't you? You know, since you married someone who's like almost a century younger than you…?"

"Well… I mean Reneesme's a little young at the moment‒"

"What about when she gets older?" Seth asked.

"Seth!" Jacob growled. "Cut it out!"

_Rosalie is gonna die tonight, _Edward fumed. "Well, I mean _maybe_‒"

"Do you want some puppies for grandchildren?" Billy laughed. "I honestly wouldn't mind."

"DAD!" Jacob whined. _Oh my God, please make it stop_, Jacob begged mentally.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Reneesme and Jacob had babies. Especially since Nessie's gonna end up looking like Bella."

"Dad, shut UP!"

"Oh man, imagine that!" Seth snickered. "Edward, are you sure you're okay with this?"

_Ugh, kill me now!_ "I'm perfectly fine with it!" Edward choked out. "Jacob deserves the best, and my daughter is nothing short of the best!"

"Can Jacob get a few practice rounds with Bella first?" Jared said, coming around the corner from the kitchen. "I think it's only fair if Jacob gets to practice with Bella since it's gonna be awhile before Nessie's old enough to get down doggystyle."

"JARED." Jacob snarled. "Was that necessary?"

"No, no, I agree with you, Jared!" Seth said between guffaws.

"Seth, shut up!"

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Billy mused as if Jacob hadn't spoken. "I mean, what if Jacob gets attached to Bella again?"

"Okay, THAT'S IT!" Jacob howled, shooting up from the couch with balled fists. "Edward, are you just gonna sit there and take this?" _Seriously, dude, how have you been quiet this whole time,_ he asked mentally.

Edward, on the other hand was fighting not to kill everyone in the room. The mere images of Jacob with either Bella or Reneesme made him wanna puke. Still, a dare was a dare. "Actually," Edward struggled to say, "I wouldn't mind it at all."

"Seriously?" Jared and Seth said in unison while Billy doubled over in laughter.

_HELL no,_ Edward swore mentally. How _did complimenting Jacob turn into this?_ _I hate the wolf pack._

* * *

Bella was cursing the day she was born and reborn as she knocked on Jacob's door. She could sense the air was tense in the house. _Great,_ she sighed. Someone approached the door, and as it opened, she saw that it was Jacob. Just past him, she could see Edward sitting on one of the couches, Seth and Jared on the floor laughing, and Billy gripping the doorframe of the kitchen holding his stomach as he laughed himself into tears. Edward looked like he wanted to kill and Jacob looked like he wanted to die.

"Oh hey, Bella," Jacob murmured awkwardly. "What's up?"

"Hey Bells, you up for some practice rounds with Jake?" Jared laughed loudly. "You know, _doggystyle?_"

"Let's get it _on_! Oh baby, let's get it on," Seth sang as he chuckled with Jared.

"Please ignore them," Jacob begged. "_Please_."

"Umm… _Okay_…?" Bella fought the urge to ask what they were talking about. Something in her inner being told her that she didn't want to know. "Have you seen Leah?"

"Uh, yeah she's in my room in the back," he moved aside to let her in. Bella stepped in and stepped over Jared and Seth's laughing bodies, throwing a sideways smirk at Edward. He glared back.

Bella shut the door behind her as she entered Jacob's room and stared as she watched Leah sleep on Jacob's bed in nothing but denim shorts and a white beater. _God, smite me now. _Bella shuffled forward and leaned over Leah's sleeping body. _There's only one way to come on to her while she's asleep_…

Bella bent down and kissed Leah, despite her burning nose.

* * *

Jasper ran (or walked moderately) down the street, wiggling his butt while silently wishing he died a long time ago. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he was thinking of creative ways to kill Rosalie, but at the moment he had to focus on the task at hand. _This can't be as bad as the Peter Pan thing, right?_

With every inch of leftover dignity leaving him, Jasper jumped on a parked Nissan and began to sing:

_I wanna kiss you,_

_But if I do then I might miss you, babe!_

_It's complicated and stupid_

_Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid_

_Guess he wants to play, wants to play,_

_a lovegame, a lovegame!_

Jasper continued to jump lightly from parked car to parked car, shaking his tail-feather while singing Lady Gaga songs. _Hey, this is actually really fun!_

* * *

Alice bent over for the millionth time and picked up a half-eaten apple. It looked like it was supposed to be green but mother nature turned it blue and white. Alice couldn't help but gag and throw it in the trash bag she was holding in the other hand. A speeding car zoomed by, close enough to splash muddy water from a puddle all over Alice.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" she cursed loudly. _I hate you Rosalie_!

* * *

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!_

Jasper sang loudly in front of the police station as Charlie and four other officers watched him in awe.

"I think", one of the officers whispered to Charlie, "I think the Cullens have lost it…"

"Jesus Christ," Charlie muttered.

* * *

Reneesme sat on the floor of the living room in front of the couch, sobbing silently as Rosalie combed her fingers through Reneesme's hair. She wasn't being gentle with it either.

"Aunty, you're hurting me!"

"Shh! I haven't even brought out the comb yet!" Rosalie hooted to herself. She dug into her purse which was beside her and whipped out a large comb with crooked and bent teeth.

As if Hell was chasing her, Reneesme shot up and dashed for the door. Her hands were on the doorknob when Rosalie grasped her by the back of her shirt and dragged her back to the couch. "Where do you think _you're_ going?"

"Nooooooooo!" Reneesme cried out.


End file.
